The Little Bits and Pieces in My Life..

Eid Mubarak!

2011-11-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

It's Eid! Yay! Today when we were out, it started raining a little bit and then...
A RAINBOW APPEARED!!
Now forgive my brother's sad photography (It was on his side of the car), And I don't know if you can clearly see it, but here are the photos!

It has been forever since it has rained here, and it was one of the most exciting things in a while..
Thank You Allah, for the special Eid gift.

Life Lessons: What A 9 Year Old Thinks Before Going Into Surgery

2011-11-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a few things about me that help you understand me better. I'm sensitive when it comes to pain, I can't stand it well. When I get sick, I get weak and I usually end up staying in bed.

Flashback to when I was in 4th grade. I got the flu, and just as usual I wasn't dealing too well with it. I'm especially not good with stomach flu's. A week went by, I was losing weight even though I was already wearing slim clothing that was fixed by my mom to fit my too-small-for slims size. Everything I ate came right back up and I still wasn't feeling good. Even Pedialite and Zamzam water didn't work too well with me. The second week was even worse. I wouldn't drink anything and my stomach was in pain. I rarely got up and just laid there waiting to get better. I only got worse, until one day, I called mom (she was working at school) from home and the principal answered. I couldn't stand it any more and I was feeling horrible. The principal told mom I sounded really sick and mom decided it was time to visit the doctor. I don't remember the trip to the doctor, but I remember when I finally went into the office and the doctor checked me, I was finally feeling hope that I'd get better. The doctor pressed all over my stomach and then using the blood test to confirm he/she (can't remember) decided it was appendicitis. And off to the hospital I went. No going home, no stopping along the way. The doctor sent us straight to the children's hospital. I remember when we got there I was admitted to a room. Dad came and mom left to get stuff from home. My appendix was infected and had to be taken out. I remember I had this IV stuck into my arm (it was the scariest thing) and then I got drowsy. I remember thinking, "Oh Allah make this easy for me. If this doesn't work out well, make it easy for my family. Oh Allah make this a successful surgery and take all the pain from me."
My faith in Allah was gigantic. I think nothing could beat that time, mashallah. I drifted off.

I opened my eyes and everything was dark. There was a light somewhere but it was foggy. I heard a noise. I tried to get up, my mind still foggy, my memory still hazy. I felt stuck and I noticed my arm had an IV attached and I was getting a little bit dizzy. I then began to come fully to my senses. "Amni, Amni, Amni" The sound became loud and clear. I looked up at the 'light' and there played Winnie the Pooh on the TV. The first thought I had was, "Alhamdulillah, I lived." Although nobody told me I'd ever die if I went through surgery, it was a stereotype I held in mind, 'Operations are dangerous.' I trusted Allah and Alhamdullilah it went well.

On my 3rd day after being admitted to the hospital, it was time to leave. But part of the hospital protocol is that you have to be able to walk a certain distance to be able to leave. It took me forever to get down that hall way. The pain was horrible, but I did it halfway, and the doctor let me leave.

The weeks after were worse than the 2 weeks before the operation. I laid on the couch, the side effects of the operation still lingering. I barely got up, I barely ate, and I stayed home from school. One weekend after about a month of laying on the couch, my parents decided to go on a picnic at the park. They loaded the bikes on the car, even though I told them I didn't feel like riding it. We got in and went to the park. Soon enough I was on that bike and riding like none of that ever happened. My mom tells me it was all psychological, and I believe it. Ever since, bikes mean a lot to me. I always had a love for riding them, and I think I always will.

I learned that belief in Allah was planted in me well as a young child, mashallah. Every time I go through hardship I remember that hard time and the faith I had in Him then and it helps me move on and think positively.

"Successful People Specialize in Putting Positive Thoughts in Their Memory Bank"

2011-11-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Hobbies..

2011-10-29T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of starting a hobby, but I don't have any idea of something I can do that doesn't cost much and doesn't really need supplies. Right now I'm loving photography, but there isn't many things to take photos of if you barely leave your house..

"Welcome new ideas. Destroy thought repellents like, 'It won't work', 'It's useless', and 'It's stupid'.

2011-10-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Choosing a Major

2011-10-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a gap semester because of matters beyond my control. At the beginning of the year I was sure I wanted to do psychology, but now I'm not so sure I want to do psychology. My plan is to one day open a business inshallah, so I'm thinking more along the lines of human resources management. I'm not so sure of that though either.
I wish someone would tell me what would be the best thing for me to study.

YOU Can Do It!

2011-10-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

Stop telling yourself that your ugly/stupid and all the other negative things you think you are. Stop mentally beating yourself up for things you haven't done. Tell yourself how good you are, find your good points and remind yourself how you can do so much. Don't forget that you have flaws, but don't surround your life around them. Love yourself for who you are.

Don't drown yourself in pity. Self-pity costs nothing and is worth just that much. You can sit all day and at the end of the day you'll end up doing nothing but crying about how pitiful your life is. Think of those less fortunate. There are people who probably should be crying about how pitiful their life is, but they are fighting it and fighting it and keeping themselves going. There are people that can't go to school because they have to work to get food on the table. There are people who have limbs missing. There are people that know they have a few weeks left to live and they have the ability to smile. So why can't you.

You think people hate you? Well that's either because your really successful and people envy you for it, or you have a really rotten personality. Look at yourself and see why people would hate you. If your genuine to others and receive negativity, then your probably in a better position then you think you are. Be genuine to others even if they are rotten to you. Be better than them and don't go around trying to get revenge. Bad things only come around to bite you.

Don't argue with others about useless topics. Ask yourself if it is really important to get your blood boiling over something that isn't worth it. Instead end the argument and do something better, because there's insanity on both sides of the argument when you argue with an idiot.

Don't sit around and wait for things to get done. They won't get up and do themselves. Get up, do your work. Love yourself for who you are. Be thankful for what you have, because many others don't. Love the people around, and don't argue uselessly. You are better than you think you are! You are a really special person and don't let others drown that out for you. Nothing can stop you but yourself and the will of Allah. So if that's the case. Then YOU can do it!

Motivating Myself...

2011-10-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

I recently found a new way to keep myself motivated. I'm the type of person who has 0.5% motivation to do anything that requires getting off my beautiful laptop-bed combo, but this really actually helped me.
I know you all want to know the secret...
Well, check it out!

I've been reading the book The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz.
Let me tell you that this book almost has the complete equation to find your way to success. It is so motivational!

I needed something that I can see to keep myself constantly motivated. (Opposed to forgetting it all once I put the book down and going back to lazy Amni.)
I put up one of the colorful boards leftover from high school projects and began sticking motivational quotes on it..

It really helps!
I have always wanted to have something like this. It probably would have looked much better stuck on a bulletin board, but to drill something in a brick wall (or to get someone to help) isn't that easy. So I just used good ol' tape and a leftover board..

I'm hoping to have a certain day where I'll just post motivational quotes here, maybe it'll help everyone else out there. Any specific days you'd all like?
Peace out!

Dear Readers...

2011-10-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hello y'all!
So like I know I disappeared off the face of the earth since like FOREVER.
So yeah, I'm sorry about that, now I actually have a plan to post more often.
I don't have much to update about, but I do have a lot to write about.
So are y'all excited?
How's everything been for you?
Are there any of you lovelies left?

Almost One Year Has Passed, My Reflections On Dealing With Death..

2011-10-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

I had been stressed out for days, no months, almost a year. Stress was so much I was getting sores in my mouth and I absolutely had no appetite. I went to school like a normal student, I smiled and acted like my life was at a pretty normal stage, but at certain points I'd break down. I'd break down every two months or so, until things got worse. Then I didn't break down at all.

I always was afraid of phone calls from family. I was always afraid it was to break 'that news'. Things got bad, then got better, then got really bad and worse. I coped with it by talking to people and hanging out with positive friends. At home life was day by day. We lived each worrying to themselves, no one talking about it. When something new would happen, it was usually mentioned while I was eating. I would then lose my appetite completely.

I indulged in doing things to keep my mind off, while trying not to forget duaa. But then..

I got in the car, mom seemed dazed. She barely spoke a word and just stared out the window. I didn't think much of it, but once we got home, opened the gate to our house and walked in, as soon as I saw those chairs, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The younger ones looked at me, questioning what this meant. Mom just walked back out the gate and told my brother to follow. She told me to clean the rest of the house, the people will be coming after Maghreb, and quietly left with tears in her eyes. My first reaction was to break down, tears quickly formed in my eyes and then the two younger ones came up to me with clueless eyes asking for answers to why everyone looked so gloomy. I walked into the house and told myself, "This is not the time for it, wait till later." I ripped off my uniform and abayah and threw my backpack on my bedroom floor. I then rushed downstairs and began to clean what was left of the mess from breakfast that morning. As I loaded the dishwasher I noticed Nusaybah (My younger sister, not the youngest) go upstairs to cry in our room. My youngest sister came up to me and asked me what was happening. At that point tears formed again and I told her that it was going to be OK and that some people will come over in a while, so I needed help. She asked me why everyone was sad and as I held back tears I told her, "Maybe something sad happened." I couldn't allow myself to break down then... It was still too early. I quickly arranged everything and by then mom had returned.

She sat on the couch and told me they got the call early that morning. I then went to my room and did my homework which was due the next day. The french was hard, as it was my first time taking french in a while and I remember hoping someone would help. The thing was, it was hard to talk to someone without telling them what happened. This would result in me breaking down, but I couldn't let myself. I finished my work and got ready for the 'guests' mentally and physically.

As family arrived I walked down the stair to see a lot of people in the living room crying. I gathered my strength quickly and gave everyone a hug and smiled. There were times that evening that I almost broke down, but I had prepared myself well enough to avoid it, and I did. At around 10 o'clock I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day and when I saw my burger I scarfed it down with a cup of coke. I stayed up till about 2am and cleaned up, then slept. I woke up the next morning mentally beaten, but still strong. I prepared myself for the day ahead, I didn't attend school that day since I stayed up so late and I was worried about my late french homework.

I told myself that day that I would keep the strength I had and go on with the next two days that way. I didn't allow myself to break down, I believed that I had to be the strength for my family and I'd keep a smile. I went through that day like I did the first, with a smile on my face. People looked at me weirdly and sometimes gave me dirty looks because I smiled at them as they entered. I wasn't going to let that hurt me though.

On the third day, I went to school. I acted like all was normal even though I had only slept for about 2 hours. Some people asked me why I didn't come to school, my heart went right down into my stomach. That was one of the hardest moment of my life. To say those words. It was harder than watching all those people cry in front of me. It was harder than hearing where they prayed on him and where he was buried. Saying those few words were so hard, but I said them. I don't know how I looked at the time I said them, but I was heartbroken. A few people gave me hugs and I was about to break down on the spot, but I gathered my all and smiled instead. I remember one of my friends was slightly angry, "WHERE WERE YOU YESTERDAY?". I smiled and quietly told her about what had happened. She didn't say much more than sorry. I went on for the rest of the day until I had to muster it up to take my homework to the french teacher. She asked if I was OK and I smiled and told her that I was fine.

That night was the last night that people would come. I again stayed up until very late cleaning up. Then I slept and went to school and life went on.

Days later I realized I never gave myself a chance to cry over it. Never gave myself the chance to break down. It was always 'be strong'. I was angry with myself for my inability to actually let my sadness out. I didn't let it out and I just held it all in.

Now that I look back on that time, I don't know if it was because of strength that I didn't break down, or if it was because of weakness. Was I too weak to let others see my emotions? Or was I strong for keeping it together? Only time will tell.

It was a hard time then, and it is still hard now, but life goes on. Life goes on for us, even though it has ended for him.

When I remember him now, I smile. He was someone I truly loved and cared about. And when he died, a little part of me died with him.

I am a lucky person, though. I was able to live to see him alive and happy. I've seen him at his best and that is the image I wish to keep.

*There are probably a lot of mistakes in this piece, as it was written with my eyes filled with tears. It'll take me time to come back and read this again to fix the mistakes, so forgive me.*

Welcoming the New School Year With Memories of the Past...

2011-09-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

It's that day of the year again where almost everyone from ages 5-18 head off to school for a new school year. Out of the twelve and a half years I've been in school I've been to 5 schools and I must say the thing that psychologically affected me most was changing schools so many times. Just remembering all this opens many wounds and makes my heart heavy once again.

Being a child and constantly being moved from one school to another can degrade a person's confidence and trust in others. It's just like when you shred a carrot and slowly, slowly, it shrinks until there's a very tiny piece left. Of course these experiences have different effects on different children, but generally that is the pattern.

Changing schools also affects children's educational level as they don't get the chance to adjust to a certain teaching strategy or pattern.

I'm not just typing here out of the blue. I've been to a new school 5 times in a row before I stuck to one final school at the end. Although I can't blame anyone for the constant move, it was extremely devastating for me.

The first time I moved to a new school, in the beginning of the sixth grade, it was probably the hardest thing for me to cope with. Everyone spoke in Arabic, when I was most comfortable speaking English. Everyone surrounded me with questions. In my eyes the school was gigantic and when I saw so many people, I thought, "I'll never get that ISP family feeling again." For many days, during the break times, I'd sit and watch everyone play and remember the school and tears would form in my eyes. I remember coming back home one day. I couldn't take the pressure anymore, it was too much to handle and I broke down. "I wanna go back to ISP, this school is scary." Next thing I knew, I was getting along well with the school only to know that I'll move again.

This time I moved to an upscale school, for the princesses and princes. Not the cute sweet princesses, they more like the snobby bratty ones. After changing classes and a few adjustments I made some friends, but somehow ended up hanging out with my cousin. Luckily I had her in the school, otherwise it would have been much harder than it was to move.

My mom decided to work in a new school the next year, which brought us to another move to yet another school. This time it was relatively easier since I had my mom at school and all the other students were new, so we were all in the same boat. Eventually halfway through the year things got pretty ugly and my mom decided to quit the job and we had to move to another school mid year.

I failed the entry exam twice, which caused my confidence to fall of a cliff for 2 years. My academic level plunged into the depths of the sea and I was no longer the 'A' student I always was. This completely angered me and injured my pride and confidence deeply. I started that new school in about the last 6 weeks of that year and it was a total shock and disappointment to me. The next year wasn't much better as I still wasn't used to the new teaching styles and the whole set up of the school confused me. It was only when I was in the school for the third yeah that I felt that I caught hold of matters and maybe I could get along with school again. My confidence slowly developed itself and I got the chance to participate in many activities. I still held the scars of all the injuries that I acquired during those long years.

All this experience helped me become the person I am today. I became stronger and more confident mashallah, but not everyone's outcome will be the same. I've seen some become cold, others become bold, some become rude and obnoxious. Most of all though, I've seen many lose their confidence completely. Sadly for some it can never be rebuilt and healed, and they will forever lack confidence.

I've realized that it is a harsh world out there, and I was lucky to end up with great classmates for my last few years of school. But truthfully, my views on school will always have a bittersweet taste, and I hope that one day I can use these memories and to develop a place where children will always taste the sweeter side of school.

Where have I been?

2011-09-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone... I have disappeared off the blogosphere for far too long..
So how y'all doing?
Well my summer's been pretty interesting.. Not the good interesting tho.. Mostly packing and packing and cleaning and packing... -.- Not fun...
Sorry I disappeared for so long, its just that...I've really been busy.

Disappointment, that bad feeling...

2011-07-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Now in my life, I have to say there have been millions perhaps billions of disappointments. Some big and others so teeny.

Based on my experiences though, I must say that knowing someone is disappointed in you is even worse than being disappointed yourself.
Now I obviously am not the perfect child, family member, daughter, etc.
I don't try my hardest when it comes to most things. Putting my all into something isn't what I do. Generally, I just do the thing and hope the results are satisfactory. Maybe I'm lucky things usually turn out well, but I hate when I don't put in the appropriate effort.
I may be an A student, but I didn't put in 100% effort, I slacked off and hoped that last minute studying and panicking will save the lost time.
When it comes to something like cleaning my room, I look at it terribly for days until finally I decide to clean it half way, so it looks presentable.

I have this thing that really disappoints me about myself and it also makes others disappointed in me.
When it comes to doing a long-term project, with no deadline I tend to slack off until someone comes along and annoys me ten thousand times about what needs to be done. Then, when the person is completely annoyed and disappointed that you did nothing, I get around to doing the work.
Why am I like this?

Really, when it comes to self motivation I have like 0.2% , or perhaps less... I wanna be someone to get excited and get the job done, do what I want and get it finished and make the people around me happy. Instead I just tend to mess things up and do things so late that people are like forget it we don't need your trashy work anymore.

When it comes to doing things for my family, I don't do it for money (even though sometimes its offered) I do it because I should help my family out. I feel like such a bum when I say I can do something and then NEVER get around to doing it. I can't motivate myself in anyway. It's like a constant battle.

I don't know what it takes to get myself to actually GET UP and stop lazing around. I hate feeling like a bum, and I hate letting people down. But obviously I don't hate those two things enough to bet my butt off the bed/couch/chair and start the work I need to do.

This is just....Annoying.

Helping others

2011-07-05T14:14:00.001-07:00

A few days back, me and my brother were discussing the topic of helping others. He believes that helping others isn't important. I on the other hand believe that helping others is essential for true happiness and satisfaction in life.

But when I look back to what my brother said, I realized that something he said can be partially true. You don't need others to be happy, because that means happiness is gone once people are gone and that means you don't love yourself enough. Now that makes sense, but I still believe that you have to have others around you to make your life better. You learn things from people, you teach people new things, but most importantly you can help people.

Something I said that day really stuck in my mind. Poor or rich, ugly or beautiful, the only way you can truly receive happiness and satisfaction in life is by helping others.

One of my goals in life is to help as many people as possible, because when you help others you get this sense of satisfaction that is almost indescribable. I can't say that you must have others around you to lead a good life, but helping others is indeed an important factor in achieving good things in life.

Another great thing that you gain from helping others is the love of the people. No matter what, if you only do good to others, majority of people will do good back. Of course you'll have those people that are snotty and hateful no matter what.

If I could, I would travel around the world to help as many people I could. But I can't, so I try my best to do what I can, where I live. And with that I am satisfied...

Flashbacks..

2011-07-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

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This past year has been quite and eventful one. It including many life changing events, some sad, and others exciting and happy.

So let me run through some of the things that stuck out to me most...
Happy things:

* I graduated from high school, mashallah

* Had a trip to Jordan, which I enjoyed very much

* Attended a bunch of parties after graduation

* Finally got a sense of keeping my things orderly and trying to keep them organized

* Saved a kitten that was starving at my school and adopted it

Sad things:
* Parted with people that I've been with for over 3 years, people that became a second family to me
* Grandfather passed away, may Allah forgive his sins

Alhamdulillah for everything after all, and its a great thing that the happy things are more than the sad ones, even though the sad ones are big in size. I am content with where my life is now, although there's much space for improvement Inshallah that will come with time and hard work.

Happiness

2011-06-30T15:19:00.001-07:00

Happiness..

If I had to define happiness, I'd say its a relative thing that people gain when they are satisfied and content no matter the circumstances.

I can't say I'm the happiest person in the world, but I think that I'm a relatively happy person. Little things make me smile, giggle, and even do a little happy dance.

I've noticed though, that in today's society and world, it is rare to find happy people. And when people see you being happy, they think 'There MUST be something wrong with her'.

I remember walking in the hall way of school one day, with a spring in my step and a big smile on my face. I said hi to everyone I knew and smiled at those I didn't. People's reactions really surprised me. Someone even frowned at me and asked 'WHY' I was happy. Is there a reason to be happy? Do you HAVE to have a purpose to be happy? What is wrong with being happy for NO reason?

This really got me thinking. Is this why the world is in its current state? Now personally I have found that in certain countries, happiness levels are really low. Perhaps its from stress, greed, envy, or just simply crummy people that don't wanna be happy...Or is it that people have lost the essence of happiness? They may have forgotten how easy it is to put a smile on your face, just because.

I remember the day after my grampa died (Allah yer7amu) I was sooo sad, yet I still had it in me to smile at others. Even though when I smiled I fought back tears, I still had it in me to smile. Even now when I think of him, I can't help but smile. Cause when you smile, no matter how bad things are, it just gives you hope that things WILL get better, inshallah, and that there's still hope. And that you can STILL try to be happy when you in really deep sadness...

I never thought that being happy was a crime, but sometimes people send off that vibe that says 'you have no right to be happy, cuz I'm not'. I remember a little while back, we got home from the grocery store and I picked out some nectarines. Now I am a pretty sad case when it comes to choosing peaches and nectarines, so this time I actually chose sweet ones, so I was doing this little victory dance expressing my happiness, and my sister looked at me and said, 'You know that you're crazy, right?'.. Well I don't care if I look crazy... What in the world is wrong with expressing happiness?

I think the reason today's world is in its state is because people have forgotten about themselves and how to be happy. I think if people put money and drama aside and were just happy for the sake of being happy, then the world would be a more peaceful, better place.

Blog's 1st year Anniversary!

2011-06-27T01:43:00.001-07:00

Well to start with, Its my bloggy's first year Anniversary!! I remember when I started this blog I was REALLY frustrated..Was having a bad time and needed a place to vent..Thanks to all of you who stuck with me all this time, through funny times and rants :P
I hope inshallah this blog will keep going for so many more years.. Its fun writing..and its a perfect place for rants...

About the construction..Some things here just aren't working the way I wanted em too, its still a work in progress.. I'll be changing stuff within the next few days, my internet is a bit choppy so its hard.. The background is a bit distracting, I think imma make it a bit whitewashed (if thats what its called :S ) They are all photos I took personally :P

Strength..

2011-06-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

I've seen a rare case of strength in this girl I know, mashallah. I have known her for about 4 years now and I've seen her transform from rocky punk to God-fearing, girly.
I'm not really close to this person, although I could say I am closer to her now than I was ever before. Recently this person was diagnosed with a long life disease which is untreatable and will slowly deteriorate her nerves. Now to overcome any disease is hard, to just hear that you have a disease is hard, but to smile through it all, to laugh, to care for others -MASHALLAH- is something beyond the norm. I have seen people living the saddest life styles and the smile on their face would never tell you about what they are going through, and I have seen people living in horrendous situations and when they smile, the sadness appears in their eyes and tells their story for them.

Today, I saw this girl smile and happily give something away to a friend as a gift. Not only did her gesture touch me down deep, but her smile through all she's growing through really hit me. I believe it is true that they say, when a person goes through a great test, their true colors show. It reminded me of a time when I was young.

When I was young I some how had gotten appendicitis and for almost 2 weeks I ate or drank very little and suffered some of the worst pain I ever remember having. I was taken to the doctor, how immediately sent me to the nearest children's hospital. The same day, I was operated on and my appendix was removed. I was in the 5th grade at that time, but I had a very strong belief in Allah. I remember as I lay in the bed getting sleepy (due to the medicine they gave me) I prayed to Allah, to make this easy for me and my family. I remember I had this immense trust that Allah will make it all right at the end. I even remember asking Allah for the best, whatever it may be.
This was something I was taught throughout my life, to believe in Allah and have trust in his abilities to make things right. This is where my strength came from when anything bad happened. And inshallah in the future, I will always depend on Him for guidance and strength.

*On another note, I plan on doing some construction to this blog, as you all know I like change, so I plan on doing a whole makeover inshallah, once my exams are all over...*

To my younger sis

2011-05-21T11:27:00.001-07:00

Dear Sister,
I wonder.. Do you know the reason why I smile at you when you give me those mean looks?
Do you know that I fight the urge to cringe when you pinch me so hard that I know I'll be suffering with bruises from it for the next few days? Do you know that no matter what you do to me, I can't find it in myself to hate you?
Do you know how much it hurts when you hit me, give me dirty looks, or just make fun of me? Yes it hurts physically, but do you know that it hurts thousand times more deep inside of me.
Do you know I seem to brush off all those insults cuz I don't wanna be the immature one?
Do you know how hard it is for me to try to be mean to you?
Do you know that today, even after I said you deserved not to eat dinner, I fought the urge to call you to come eat?
No matter what I say about leaving you behind, it hurts me to say it.
Do you know how nice I am compare to some sisters that beat their sisters up?
Do you know that my legs are all bruised from you kicking me yesterday, yet I didn't mention anything to mom cuz I didn't wanna let you get in trouble?
Do you that if you were a good friend I wouldn't want to sit on my computer all day and do other things or chat with my friends?
Do you know that I care about you, that I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you, ever (God-Forbid)?
You know what? I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm tired of what your doing to me, so I had to make sure you get your justice. I just really hope you'll grow up one day and we could be friends. What I hate most is an enemy that wants to compete with me all my life.

I love you and care about you, I hope that you'll get over your phase and start realizing your mistakes.
You big sister, Amni

Growing up...

2011-05-14T05:07:00.000-07:00

We are sitting in class chatting about various topics, joking about a girl marrying a scientist since she admires them so much. Then one of the girls starts talking in a serious tone about a proposal she got over the summer from the family of a policeman in Canada. We laughed at it thinking it was funny, even though it wasn't a joke.

Then a few weeks ago, a classmate of ours announced that she got married in the vacation. At first we thought it was some practical joke, until she showed us pictures of her wedding. That hit a lot of us right slap in the face. Many different reactions showed us the amounts of surprise.

Now so far I've gotten 2 of those 'proposals' mashallah. I spent months wondering if anyone would ever come to ask for me considering my back that isn't so straight.

I feel so grown up, so old. It's all real. It's not some kind of joke. I never thought that this would happen to me in high school. Part of me is delighted with the fact that I am actually noticed mashallah. I'm happy that I'm not just that hidden person in the corner. On the other hand, I over dramatize the fact that I get 'checked out' or 'sized up' by these people. I feel like I'm making a deal put of nothing, but again it is awkward when you see these people everyday and you are supposed to act your normal self. Not only that, but these people give you the 'special treatment', which I'm still learning to get used to.

All my life I spent wondering who I'd get married to and when. Now I'm more curious than ever. Sometimes I just want to see a glimpse of the future of what's best. With these proposals come the worry and anxiousness about the future. The fear of the unknown.

Well may Allah give me what's best for me, when it's best for me. Ameen.

It's great to know blogger is back. I was getting annoyed with it. -.- Arright. Peace!

More Freedom...?!

2011-05-07T11:44:00.001-07:00

There are days (many) where I feel like I'm stuck in a prison and wish to do my own thing, or I feel like I wanna go out to a certain place or go buy a certain thing. Facts are, I'm living in a place where women going places is not an easy thing. And I mean it.
I can't drove here so someone takes me to school and then on the rare occasion to the mall. But let's say I wanna go to the salon for my bi-yearly haircut (since no one will take me when I wanna go) which I have to beg for days and days and then finally after about a decade of begging MAYBE I'll go.

Well now an opportunity has risen to leave this country inshallah soon and where ever we go I will have to drive... Wait did I just say drive? Is that like a dream come true?!

Well ok thing is I'm going to HAVE to drive. So a few days back mom was telling me to look at universities in another city about 30+ minutes from the city we will be living in inshallah. And I'm like SAY WHAT? I'm gonna have to drive myself to another city everyday for university?! And she's all like you've been too sheltered... Well that is quote obvious. It's just that I've driven like once and I still don't get how someone can use ONE foot to drive, pay attention to the front and check the mirrors from time to time...

I crave for freedom, to go places if I need something, to just GO OUT and feel like I'm not in jail 99% of the time. Maybe I can take my siblings to the park or something. Go to the beach. Drive to the grocery store and get the kinda chocolate I want.
But then again.... To drive to another city for uni.... I just think that's a bit ummm scary?

I don't know really. I really wanna drive, but I think it's a bit scary. Just a little bit.

Oh and I have this other dilemma. Now there are like a million Unis where I'll be going, but only like 2 have psychology major. Which just sucks... Because that's really what I wanna do. So I might have to think of another major that I also find interesting. Any ideas? I don't want engineering. Definitely not a teacher. Not a doctor.
I don't know. I was thinking architecture, but I'm not friends with math at all. Someone told me I could be a great computer engineer..?! Umm maybe it's my genes or something, my dad is one of those. I'm not too interested in computers though. I was thinking perhaps journalism? But that's kinda underrated here. I don't really wanna go into business or management, I feel as if I won't really have a career in those fields.
Any suggestions?

All right everyone out there, peace to y'all!
PS. I know your reading this people, I don't mind if you write something down there in the comments box. I actually like it!

The Importance Of Agression

2011-05-05T13:35:00.001-07:00

About 2 weeks back we had this very heated discussion after reading The Social Animal. We were reading a chapter on the Importance of aggression, which somehow lead to the topic of revenge and how people should deal with those who kill their family members.
The discussion got really heated cuz there was a girl who said it is wrong to kill someone that killed your family member, they don't deserve to die. I on the other hand replied that if someone has it in them to forgive that person that is great, and I'm pretty sure you could get a lot of rewards for that. But not everyone has that in them.
Just a day before that discussion, I watched a heartbreaking video of a boy who is about 5 years old in Palestine, watching his father being arrested by the Zionists and being taken away. He was yelling and crying and holding onto his father and the men kept pushing him away. Now you tell me.. Will that kid grow up to be able to forgive these people? Why should he? They took his father and his family away from him. They pointed their weapons at him. If he could find it in him to forgive them that would be great, but I can almost guarantee thy this kid will grow up to hate these people and want to kill them.
My point here is that forgiveness is an awesome thing, but not always can a person find it in them to forgive. That is why in Islam if a person kills someone purposely, they are either killed or have to pay a sum of money, depending on what the family of lost one decides. This is because there are people out there who can forgive, those are very great people, but I don't think the majority have that ability. I think it's an ingrained instinct within us to want revenge, it is those who are strong that can fight it.
I wish forgiving was easier sometimes, because there are times where I find it hard to forgive others. I'm not usually the type to hold a grudge or anything, but there are times where I feel it's hard to keep things calm within myself and fight the urge to return that mistake back to the person, or ignore them to punish them or something.

Well, what do you think?

What I think are some of the 17 most annoying things...

2011-04-30T07:09:00.001-07:00

Things I find annoying....
1- Rush to food as if you're living in a food-less world. At any function if food is offered all Arabs MUST RUN to the food and fill their plates to the TOP for no reason other than they feel the need to deprive others the fun of doing the same.
2- When people wanna know everything about you and your family and your extended family an their families and their friends and the person you walked past in the hallway. If you sit next to an Arab auntie be prepared to answer all their questions. Do not forget that they'll nail you down to find out about your grades at school.
3-When you know that all the info you gave away in number 2 will be passed on to EVERY SINGLE person they encounter after you. And similarly they will relate to you the stories of the ten million people before you.
4- When they think it's THEIR duty to tell you how wrong your parents raised you and your siblings. I just love how I get the heat for that. First of all, I think I was raised really well. Second of all, NONE OF YOUR BEES WAX...
5- When people start acting extra nice all of a sudden, when they treated you like you didn't exist before. Now I appreciate being loved, but no thank you, I would NOT like you to stalk me, and I don't wanna be your daughter in law, you seem a bit too two faced.
6- When a family member (aunt, gramma, or cousin) tells you to open a business with them. I'm sorry, but there's a reason why I see you once in a blue moon. I prefer to choose my own partner when it comes to business thank you. And I really don't enjoy the way you treat those around me, so I avoid you.
7- When you have to follow someone around to get something simple done. It's like 'hi mrs. I need you to get my transcripts ready before *date* please'. 2days before that date I'm like 'transcripts?' and they look at me bewilderedly. Yeah that was real, no kidding.
8-When you feel like 2 people are fighting over you. At my school (all girls) I tend to hang out with a ton of people everyday. Like one minute you'll find me chatting with this group, next I'm walking around with this girl. But then there are like these two girls that wanna hang out with me, and they don't seem to wanna hang out with me together. They want me to be their friend alone. I can't do that cuz I feel bad for one and then the other. So I try to get us ALL to hang out, but that just never works out.
9- 'Let's study' yeah that's just annoying cuz it is.
10- Oh! It's break? *Bell rings* Oh it's over now! I'm sorry girls I didn't mean to teach you all through break. ....Oh really?
11-'Why don't you study with her she needs an older person to help her out?' Yeah I would enjoy studying with my siblings if they listened to what I said. It turns out like 'Repeat after me: S-C-H-O-O-L' *Waits* 'Umm yeah I said repeat? Ok let's try something else, copy this 5 times while saying it out loud.' Then they argue with you about why we have to study. I don't wanna study, I'm here cuz I was told to.
12- When people say that we should buy stuff made in the middle east to support the Muslims. Nope, sorry... It's gonna be bad for your health, cheap quality and just too over priced.
13- Room that is messy from sibs. Like why?! Oh and when I'd get punished/yelled at for their mess, it's even better.
14- When someone keeps calling my name and I tell them to WAIT and then they act like it's an emergency and it ends up being something like 'clean the dishes'...I mean WTH?
15- When I'm finished my exam and I have to wait for 45 minutes to leave, cuz it's just the school rules and I have to be punished cuz I finished my exam in 45 mins. Yes, very productive way to teach us time management. Sit in your desk for 45 minutes. Do nothing. Don't look anywhere, don't even try to like whisper istighfar to yourself cuz next thing you know they are pouncing on you like your a dangerous criminal.
16- When people dig in my stuff, take something, put it somewhere else and completely deny the whole thing happened.
17-When people break/cut/ruin/steal/eat your stuff and then deny it completely and try to paste the blame on ten others who weren't even there.

And After Hardship Comes Ease..

2011-04-22T11:00:00.001-07:00

Now just like there are horrible times in life, where everything just plain sucks, there are times were everything goes relatively smoothly. Now I'm not saying that EVERYTHING is perfect right now, because it isn't. There are still many problems, hundred reasons to be stressed, and so many things that can bother me. But for me right now, Alhamdillah, I'm content. My life has sorted itself out and things have gotten back into their relative places.
I can now sleep (I think I sleep a bit too much these days, I slept 16 hours and no one woke me up) mashallah, eat normally, I can focus on my studies, and I find that I'm able to keep up with myself better. I don't feel so annoyed at random things, yet I feel like my expressions don't show happiness enough yet.

A friend of mine noticed the change in attitude and saw the depression fade away. She was so happy and told me that 'You're finally back!'. That made me realize that, even though I can mask my feelings, I still show them to some extent. Plus I can't hide lack of sleep..I look like a zombie if I don't sleep for 8hours everyday.

I have exams this week, but I have realized that stressing too much about them won't get me anywhere. I was faced with a greater situation for the past 3 weeks and these exams are not worth the stress. Neither is school for that matter. It's just a stress generating place.

This whole ordeal taught me patience. That it is really a virtue that one should have. You can only change things to a certain extent, and then you leave the rest to Allah. You make your duaas and thats all you can do.

On the other hand, I have graduation practice and a whole lot of other stuff coming up. I'm supposed to sing a song in grad. And right now me and a friend are leading a fight against putting music in the graduation. They all wanna put Fireworks by Katy Perry, I don't find the lyrics bad, but I do find the background music kind of offending, especially considering that there will be people that don't listen to music in the audience. And I myself don't listen to it to start with.

Everyone tells me it's a give and take, and I say the same, but then there's something telling me to fight for no music. I kind of feel bad, cause so many people are excited for the fireworks song, but I just don't know what to do, really. I just want to do what's right.

Well at least it's better than the dynamite one they wanted to put before that. I found that one a bit too offensive.

I still lack motivation to do many things, I find it weird how I can motivate myself to dress up daily for no reason, but how I can't find it in me to clean up my room, or read a page of Quran. It's just so weird, really.

Oh and I also realized that I still talk so American even though I live all the way on the other side of the world. I betcha even reading my blog you can tell. It's just too funny.

Ok I think I'll go to sleep right now, it's getting late and I have an exam first thing tomorrow morning inshallah, pray for me (make duaa).. Yallah! Peace!
Love, Amni

Laughing so hard and the tears are coming down...

2011-04-16T12:13:00.001-07:00

...and you don't really know whether you are laughing...or crying, really.
One of the things I find that I do well is containing my negative emotions, be it sadness or hate. I can sort of control my anger based on the situation, but mostly what I keep inside is all the sadness and depression. I keep it all locked inside and then usually once in a blue moon I cry it out and then I live life and then I get depressed, keep it in for a year, cry it out, and it goes on and on and on like that.
This past year, though, has been exceptionally challenging when it comes to emotions. I haven't been allowing myself to express these emotions because if I keep breaking down, my life will just be worse than it already is.
This year is my first experience of death of a dear one. This is something I am still learning to accept and cope with. My grandfather was someone I loved dearly and cared for immensely.
This is also the year I'll be finishing school and starting anew elsewhere.
And currently life is completely out of hand with two completely opposite scenarios that appear as time unfolds the events. One of the possibilities might require me to leave school (2 months ahead of finishing it) and start my summer vacation really early in another place. The other possibility indicates a slow transition. But only time will tell what will happen and when. Of course we know that everything is up to what Allah has decreed and decided, so we accept that.
Today I spent the day doing many different things, almost completely unrelated, yet made me happier. A friend noticed that I wasn't looking too well and decided that she should cheer me up, and she really did. She made my day. Then when I came home we talked and laughed about some other stuff. That was when I couldn't stop laughing and tears where running down my face, as if I was crying. Inside of me was telling me that I had to express my emotions and this was to sort of make up what I missed all those times I didn't cry. On the outside though I was laughing so much I couldn't stop.

Also something really amazing happened to me today, it really made me smile. I was sitting with a friend and we were chatting about various topics when a teacher came by (she's an older teacher, perhaps 60+) and asked me if everything was all right. I smiled and told her that I'm ok. She then told me that I looked really sad and like I really needed a hug. She hugged me and I thanked her. Mashallah such a sweet lady. It really touched me that there are people that notice my hardships. They notice that I'm wearing that mask and trying to act like everything is all right, and they ask you in hopes that they'll make you feel better and make your life that tad bit more perfect.

Some people around me seem to either not realize that everything is not all right or they simply ignore it all not wanting to invade my privacy. I don't blame em really, because sometimes I don't ask people what's wrong because I feel like maybe they don't want to talk about it. I feel though that maybe I should always ask of they are ok, because just the thought that someone cares can make your day. I really understand what it means to have people that care.
I hope that to someone I can be the person that makes their day, gives them that needed hug, helps them feel just that much better.
And really for most people it makes their outlook on life a happier, more optimistic judgement. Instead of depressing and loss of hope.

To the people that made my day a happier one today, thank you. I appreciate it greatly, jazakumullahu khairan.

With love, Amni.
Peace!

At That Point~

2011-04-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

There are times in you life where you don't really wanna talk to anyone, you don't wanna see people, you don't wanna hear them, you don't even wanna think about them..And right now that's exactly how I feel. I have all my chats offline. Not many people call or text me and even if they did right now I don't think I'd bother replying.
I don't know why I feel like this really. I don't really feel like me anymore. I feel like things are changing too much, too quickly...Or maybe I get my hopes high for something and its just still unknown.
Right now I just want some one to tell me something that they are 100% sure about. I feel like my life right now is like a log in the river and wherever the river goes my life goes with it and I just have to watch it go with the flow because, to be honest, I have absolutely no control over anything in my life right now. Everything is totally chaotic at the moment. Nothing is based on a schedule.
I'm extremely annoyed at my sibling and I'm certainly just annoyed with this all. Being stuck in the same house all day with these people and everyone is struggling to cope with the new problems is just like a volcano gathering momentum for an absolutely gigantic explosion. Just minor things put me off, like if someone puts their shoes on my bed. I feel like beating someone up, like really punching em good. Too bad I don't really hate anyone that much.
I really don't know how to get rid of this annoyance. I don't really have the patience for anything anymore. No patience to clean up someone's mess, no patience to listen to people talk nonsense, I don't even have the patience to let myself think.
I can't even pray at the moment to cool my self off. I just really feel down and just terrible. I want something to be definite, to know basically what's gonna happen. Things are going so downhill in my opinion. I can care less if I pass this school year, or even graduate with my class. I just want to have a basic plan to know what is gonna happen. This uncertainty and chaos is getting on my nerves and I just feel like I can't stand it anymore.
I kno it sounds like I'm rehashing the same thing over and over again. I woke up at like 7 something this morning cause my sister's stupid alarm that she sleeps right through and it doesn't even stir her. I can't sleep once I wake up. I end up thinking and become anxious and then sleep just doesn't even come after that point. Be that 3am or 9 am. Then latest I've woken up in the past 2 months is 9am and I usually finally sleep at sometime around 1am-2am. I can't sleep its just that if I lay down and don't sleep right away I start thinking. After waking up at 7am, basically sleeping for 5 hours, I couldn't go back to sleep so I get on my laptop and then when the battery is dead the electricity goes out. Just perfect.
Yesterday the water in our house had problems and it was so annoying cuz I actually planned to do my laundry and then BAM the water shuts off.
Right now its sandy outside and I can smell it so intensely and its just annoying. Give me another reason not to sleep tonight. If the sand isn't settled bye bye to my sleep...
I don't know what to do. I just want a clear answer about what's happening. Leaving and staying somewhere with a bunch of annoying aunts and kids just doesn't sound like a good idea to me. If that happens I'll be annoyed and really just that will be the end of it for me. I'll either go crazy.

*Sighs*
If you read this, I feel sorry for you....This post is totally negative. Not the usual me, sorry. But I can't help it really...

The Flavor Of Life~

2011-04-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

Haven't got much to say~ Can't say my life is the best at the moment, but I can't say its the worst either. I'm having mixed feelings of stress, excitement and depression. Now you'd never think those could all be mixed in the same sentence but yeah, it's true.

Things are turning out extremely interesting. Oh and I caught this cold leaving me with a sinus headache. And now my voice is funny and weird XD

My room is a big mess and I have to clean it up before school starts again. YAY! NOOOOT XD
I have laundry piled up waiting for my lovely attention and I keep ignoring it and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger...

I have a computer project and a french project which I'm currently working on. Just those two frustrate me. Thanks to an awesome friend that helped me out in french that is half done.

Watching the news has given me a different outlook on life...Kinda a bit more appreciation for what I've got, and to pray for the others out there that are suffering...

Jon Stewart Says Goodbye To Glenn Beck!!

2011-04-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

IN THE MOST HILARIOUS FASHION EVER!!!

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/thu-april-7-2011-jamie-oliver

Disappointment after disappointment...

2011-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I get my hopes so sky high for things. Its just that now everyday I just get bad news. Yesterday it was something then today it was even worse. Its like why in the world am I hoping for the better anymore? I naturally hope for good, but sometimes after too many times your hopes are up and your disappointed you lose hope all together and then you can't even bring yourself to hope for something good, in fear of another heartbreak and disappointment. My life has been filled with disappointments many times before, and I've been through that phase where I've lost hope for everything and just care less if things slapped me right in the face or walked right over me. I didn't care about what was to come next.
After 7 years of attachment it's hard to let go, but I'm ready to move on. Yet every day getting news worse than the day before is just killing.
I look at my phone and read the message and my heart sinks, because I put my hopes up for that. Then someone comes home to tell me something even worse.
I seriously understand that there's a reason behind everything that happens. Even if that thing means your life changes completely in one day. I know that there are tests to check whether we pass or fail.

I don't know really. It's that my sleeping, eating, and everything normal has been messed up into awkward proportions and different ways. Last week one morning I slept at 11pm then woke up at 2am and laid in bed in hopes of being able to sleep and then I just started my day after laying in bed for 2 hours doing nothing. Then my eating habits have been messed up, I've lost anything related to appetite and food just always looks disgusting to me. I'm losing weight again, after it took so long to gain. That makes my clothes not fit good anymore. I get headaches easily and have lost all patience to deal with people.
Everyone looks at me funny and asks me why I'm sighing so much and why I look so used up and sick. I just can't tell anyone. Mentally my mind has been so busy and tired. It's hard because no one can/will understand my problem. Everything is easier when you can vent out to someone, so they can comfort you and tell you that it'll all be ok and that life goes on. I don't know what to say anymore really.

At the same time I'm beyond the top in excitement, I finally have the chance to something I never imagined I'd be able to do. New opportunities have popped up. Sometimes I wish I could leave everything to begin a new life with those opportunities...

I know this is all vague, my life is currently a mess and I needed to vent, so here I am venting right here :P

Something I Really Like To Do...

2011-04-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

Is singing...
I absolutely love to sing. Morning, evening, and if I'm awake midnight you might find me singing then too. Ever since I was a little kid I remember singing nasheeds. Generally singing is just something I like to do.
I never thought my voice was something special until around a year ago, when I really felt like singing and someone heard me. Then the news kind of spread around, and now quite a few people know about my 'golden voice'.
To me, though singing is my way of letting things go. It's my way of letting my emotions out. When I feel happy I sing, when I'm sad I sing. The only time I don't sing is when I'm really depressed. It's kind of like a gauge that tells me I'm not normal. When I listen to Quran or Nasheed, I usually listen to it so much till its memorized and stuck in my head and then I go around and sing it 24/7 to the point that people know what I've been listening to recently. My biggest problem is, I listen to Quran waaaaaaay less than I do nasheed. Even though I love listening to Quran, I just listen to nasheed more often.

You know what? At times I wish I could sing to the world, to tell them that we need to spread peace. To tell them the beauty of Islam, to tell them about the beauty of life. To pull them out of the depression that they are in, to hope that they will feel hope for the days to come. I wish I could tell them that it's gonna be ok, that the world still moves on and that it's not worth other people ruining your life. I wanna tell them that sometimes people change, and that life is precious. I wanna pull them away from the ideas of suicide and irrational behaviors.

Of course that won't happen for many reasons, first being that I respect Islam and then I respect myself so that will never even be considered.

Family and Community

2011-03-29T09:55:00.001-07:00

When I was young, I remember there was a sense of community where we lived. Mom and dad knew people we could depend on sometimes when needed, and those people could depend on us when needed.
When we moved here it was something we lost immediately and thought we could simply replace it with extended family. But extended family is nothing like community. Now all those people put there that have a nice, caring family might use their family to substitute for a community. But when your family is hateful and don't really care about other's good it just completely ruins your insight on family. So we are now left with no family and no community. We stand alone. Everyone of us has their friends that they talk to and meet with at school/work, but none of these are connected. The families don't know each other, parents don't really bother much as to who the friend's parents are. We don't care much about our parents' friends' kids.
We just lost that important connection, which for a person, can make it or break it for you.
It makes life that bit more stressful, because you are always standing alone, you don't ever get the chance to depend on others. Like now I have no way to get to school tomorrow, in other places family or the community would help out. But now we are left almost helpless.
I miss community and yearn for a good family, it just seems like sometimes you gotta live without these to appreciate their meaning. I would like to become a more social personality but find it hard due to the lack of human ties with each other. In general people here are less friendly and more selfish.
Trying to give too much van kill you too, I try my best to make others happy. I feel like I live to make sure others are happy. I can live my life unhappy, but I feel like I should make myself happy for others. I put on that mask in the morning and everyone just thinks my life is all right. Most don't realize that behind my public personality there is grief, tears, and sometimes even anger.
It's only when I gather all my strength and put it up as a mask am I able to move on. Someone asked me how I can move on so quickly. I really don't know, it's all thanks to Allah. At times the ability to keep a straight or happy face astonishes me.
When my grandfather died, Allah yer7amu, I went to school the next day. I put on a mask that everything was ok, I smiled at people and when they hugged me, I just wanted to cry. Something inside me wanted to break, but some bits and pieces of strength came together and I was able to keep composed and strong. I've been able to live the past months as if in a dream world, able to live and act happy all on my own.

Sad part of all this is, it's been a long time since I've felt true happiness and satisfaction in my life. Weird thing is...I really only get that feeling when I ride a bike. No kidding.

Pictures :D

2011-03-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Remember I said something about photography and quotes? Well I finally made time for that :D You can always check my Tumblr it's got all the updates there too :D

Here they are ppl!

What is truth, And what is a lie?

2011-03-22T11:21:00.001-07:00

At this point of my life, I feel the want to become somewhat independent, yet at the same time I feel like it's too big of a step to take, that I never wanna learn to do things alone.

Weirdly I feel like lately maybe I've been hard on myself, or maybe I've just been too bad to others and myself. I feel like I hate myself, everything about me. I've been rude to my family too many times, for a reason I cannot understand. It's heartbreaking. I don't even realize I've done something wrong until minutes later when I feel this really terrible regret which in turn causes me to reprimand myself, half apologize to the person I've wronged and then last with a terrible feeling for the rest of the day. Things annoy me alot, my reactions to those things are really weird, like stuff I've never done before. Like I never usually care that my room is a mess, but now... I get so infuriated with myself and everyone at this mess.

To make myself feel better I dress up every weekend morning and fix my hair, and put on some eyeliner in hopes that maybe it'll help me. This just causes another chain of reactions that bring me back to point zero. My siblings would go all' look at how dumb you look'. And then I'd act all like I don't care, but no matter what deep down inside it hurts. And then I'm back to hating myself, which causes me to react to things weirdly, and the cycle goes on. I don't like this, I wanna break this cycle and I've tried.
Another thing that bothers me is my ability to just sit at the computer like literally almost all day. I could sit there, I don't know how I find things to do, but I DO! And it's so annoying, because I watch mom clean and I feel so terrible because I do nothing and she spends her life working and doing stuff to make ME happy and I STILL sit there at the computer.

Right now, I hate myself, so much. Why am I like this? So indifferent to everything, so rude, so ugh I don't know... Why is this going this way?

The worst part of all this is, I feel like I've forgotten how to be normal, like I don't know how to...

I was in a good mood earlier today, and somehow I ended up in this weird mood again.

Need your duaas everyone, pretty please with a cherry on top....

I have no clue what the title has to do with the contents of the post, I kinda meant to write something else, but it kinda ended up as a...rant, again... I guess this place has become a new ranting grounds to me, sorry guys! I will try my best to post something more interesting soon inshallah.. :D take care and peace!

Memories...

2011-03-18T04:24:00.001-07:00

This anime holds a lot of memories with it, every time I see pictures or clips of this anime I'm reminded of the...

Fun times....
The Angry Times...
The Sad Times...
The Times Where We Were All Together Having Fun...
And Most Of All I Remember The Friendships <3

Each one of us were chosen as one of these characters, I'm Nagisa, the brown haired girl :D

Dear Manarat,

2011-03-14T09:48:00.001-07:00

Do you realize that you're failing miserably as a school? Well you know what, if I was in a country where I could sue your owner, I would as soon as I graduate. Some of your rules are useless, everything is limited. It's not like your a good school. Do you know that almost everyone that attends you, goes home and just STUDIES what they 'learned' because the system is just such a big fail? Doesn't the management know that exams non-stop is psychologically disturbing? Don't the staff know that we should learn hands-on and not just a buncha blabbering?
Oh I find the labs just amazing. Oh and I didn't forget the gigantic ~~stage-room/auditorium~~ gym. It's just lovely how you can play basketball with one hoop. Oh lemme tell you what's even better about PE, its the hilarious fact that the PE teacher is ~~huge~~ very unfit.
I could say your bathrooms aren't looking so good with the gigantic slob of cement in the sink, to fill the hole. I love your cracked mirrors and the way the floor is just perfectly slippery, so that we may all end our lives in the school toilets.
I like how you make kids pull/carry backpacks up stairs, but the highschool students are on the ground and don't even have to sweat it to get to class.
Oh I surely didn't forget your tightly locked fire exits. I'm pretty sure the keys will magically appear in an emergency situation. I'm glad to know that when something blows up in the ~~lab like last time~~ there weren't alarms to warn us, and we just sat in class until someone physically ran around the school and told us to leave. I like how the other day when sewage was gushing out of the ground nothing was done about it until the last 15 minutes of the day when we weren't allowed to go to that area.
I absolutely love your non-existent cafeteria. Oh and the food is just absolutely amazing and Soo cheap. Oh and FYI I know that you sell about 753 riyals worth of Twix in second break. Not to mention each one is 3 riyals...

Oh also, I wanted to mention that the tiles on the floor are coming off and people have fallen on the many times. I also love how it comes time to paint the walls when kids come to school. I love how the janitors spray air-freshener all over the place at 7AM in the morning.
I appreciate that there's a used mattress under the broken slide so if someone falls in the sandy area, they'll land on the ~~now soaked and wet from the rain~~ used up mattress. Oh and I love how the swing that was once there has caused injury to too many people. I remember when that thing was still hanging in there, there was one screw from the top of one side and one screw from the bottom of the other side holding up the bar that the swings hang from. I used it and had as much fun as I could before it fell down.. I wonder who got injured in the process of that thing falling.
Oh I love how everything happens literally last minute. In 2 days we are to plan an open day, sell tables and encourage everyone in the school to attend. I like how there are always people trying to keep some kind of proper order, but nevertheless it's always still a gigantic chaotic mess.
I like how people are fired and hired on a whim and how you simply expel good teachers at a moment's notice. I like how my current English teacher actually reads the comprehension passage to us (12th graders) and then argues about what the correct answers are. I wonder if she really knows, since she doesn't seem to have an answer sheet, and she keeps changing her mind.
I like how she tells us that hyphens, commas, periods, semicolons and colons ALL have the same exact job; then she brings a multiple choice question in the exam with each one of those as a choice and tells us that they STILL have the same job, but there is only one answer.
I like how people are 'favored' over others by teachers, and how a teacher can be so mean.
I also like how the students can be so lazy and complain about how many chapters they have to study for their exams.
I like how they come around and search for cell-phones and literally come around patting everyone down and dig through bags and lockers.
I like how we barely have subject choices and we sit in the same class all day. I like how we wait for teachers to come to class, instead of teachers waiting for students. I like how students have to conduct the morning assembly every morning. I like how they always yell at people to tie their hair and take off the nail polish, yet the 'examples' do as they please.
I absolutely LOVE the uniform. I mean what's better than trying to play basketball wearing a skirt in an all girls school. Oh and imagine trying to get to class on time when your late. It's absolutely amazing.
I like how people actually have to sit at the door to tell people to wear their abayahs. I love how you can't ever take us out on field trips. Oh and I will never forget the weekly letters I get for the tuition. I know that my dad didn't pay, but there's still 3 more months of school left, don't you think he'll get around to it someday inshallah?!

Oh and I love the parent teacher meetings where ~~your mom goes and comes back to tell you that your teacher asked about your availability for marriage and you are left terrified and possibly scarred for life and avoid that teacher like the plague~~ the Arabic teachers walk away to go eat the free food leaving ME (the person who stupidly decided to volunteer) to explain to the parents that the teachers have gone to eat and they will be back soon. Only to go and announce for the arabic teachers to come back, and get yelled at for being embarrassed by having their names announced.

I love how our graduation is in like 3 months and we don't even have a clue about what'll be happening. We have no gowns.

I love how it's exams all the time. I love the projects, oh how amazingly fun they are. I just enjoy finding a bunch of info online and sorting through it and putting it on a PowerPoint presentation. How fun!

I love how when you skip class your either absolutely busted for life or you got a free lesson and it was totally worth it. I like how teachers actually give free lessons...

You all know what? I absolutely love this school, isn't it just wonderful?

This post is completely sarcastic in all means. In case you don't know, Manarat is the school I attend.

Advice?

2011-03-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking about photography a lot lately...It's something I've wanted to do for a looong time, but haven't had the structure in my life to get around to doing it. So finally i've decided to get my act together and start a project.

I'm thinking about writing quotes and putting em in different areas with different backgrounds and taking pics of em...So any advice?

I currently have a very simple, normal camera. Nothing fancy, but I find that mashallah it does an amazing job :D that's till i have some money to really invest on a piece of equipment :P

Any ideas of good quotes u'd like me to use? Any particular backgrounds?

Well inshallah as soon as I take the pictures they'll be posted up right here. XD So hopefully that'll be real soon.

It's all about judging a book by its cover...

2011-03-13T09:00:00.003-07:00

When we first meet a person, first impressions mean the world. Oddly though, these impressions can be fairly deceiving.

This is very complicated, because psychologically we base some of our actions on what people may look like. It's something almost inevitable. So many studies have been conducted to test this theory, and I've seen them on tv (thank you National Geographic Abu-Dhabi). It's interesting indeed when you realize that you, yourself fall into the same trap the 'lab rats' did. You still, no matter how hard you try, will judge people.

A few days back in English class our teacher told us to write a few survey questions for general cleanliness and hygiene. Not knowing she meant general cleanliness and hygiene in the school, we wrote down questions like 'How many times do you clean your room every month?' This led to a discussion within my group about how many times we clean our rooms. I said I clean my room every once in a while, when my parents get all mad and I have no choice but to clean it (I wasn't the only one, to my surprise). This led us to another discussion about how organized we consider ourselves. When I said that I don't consider myself organized, many people looked at me in surprise. This started a discussion about me and how I look like I am a very organized person. In fact I am not organized what-so-ever. My time isn't organized, my backpack isn't organized, neither is my locker, on a normal day my closet would be a mess, and the list goes on. This absolutely surprised particularly one person, she kept telling me she couldn't believe what I was saying, but this whole topic got me thinking.

Perhaps I come to school and appear pretty ~~(yes I know I am pretty mashallah, thank youXP Just Kidding)~~ organized, but this doesn't present my true image.

When I first see a person, I can somewhat guess their general personality. But just like everyone else I could be wrong sometimes.

In this country, I find looks very deceiving and begin to question everyone's "ulterior motives". I begin to think how they may be opposite of what I perceive. This makes me sound paranoid, but when I find out that that 'sheikh looking' dude is a briber and cheater I come to a point where I wish I were even more paranoid. Sometimes I wonder why in the world are things so complex, why can't they be just that little bit simpler? On the other hand, this is what makes the world the interesting place it is, if it wasn't for all these differences and hardships, life would be absolutely boring.

Looks can deceive~

Why..?

2011-03-10T07:29:00.001-08:00

I've noticed that recently my reactions to bad things are either loud and impulsive, or I just shut up and let the inside of me boil with anger. Nothing in the middle, like before i used to tell the person nicely that what they are doing is wrong..I'm absolutely tired of my siblings. Yes, I love them and would hate for anything to happen to them. But for once in their lives if they could just stop fighting, stop arguing, and stop being so annoying. 10 minutes out of the hour they are fighting about one thing or another. I'm talking about extremely childish stuff.
They yell and fight, then start beating each other up and start threatening to ruin each other's stuff or throw it away.
Then at about 10:30pm (about 3 hours after their bed-time) they are still awake talking, fighting, and arguing. And when I say go to bed, I just get 'No'.
After all this everyone is all 'why are you so rude?'. Well no I'm not rude, I'm just sick and tired of all this lack of respect and consideration. And this is what happens. I reply impulsively. Like my sister sat there punching me, when I didn't react, she did it over and over again till I yelled 'STOP HITTING ME!!' and then all I got was, 'mom why is Amni so rude?' Well hello I think it's obvious. IDK anymore, I feel like pushing my bed into the game room and giving myself a peace of mind... And after all that, first thing I get in the morning is, 'CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!' Yes of course I'll be in a perfectly lovely mood when the first thing I hear directed at me is yelling. Just Lovely.
Then I'm just expected to be completely patient about everything. Oh of course.
Thanks for reading, sorry it had to be a rant.II

What will the future be like?

2011-03-07T10:25:00.001-08:00

A topic that crosses my mind ALOT is the future...
What will the future be like?
Will I be happy for the choices I've made?
Will I have a hard time, or will things be easy?
Will I do what I want and like, or will I end up doing things I don't necessarily want to do?
Will I still pursue psychology as a career, or will I quit half-way through and get excited about something else?
Where will I live?
Which university will I attend?
Will I ever have my own bedroom, or will I always have to share with someone?
Will I ever become an organized person, or will I just be as disorganized as I am today?
Will my back get worse than it is today, will I get therapy and get it fixed, or will it take a surgery?
Will I ever have to become a teacher?
Will I get a scholarship at anytime to help me out with my studies?
Will I be a happy person, or a grumpy one?
Will I get married, to whom and when?
Will I even live long enough to see all this?
Well I guess only Allah Knows...~~
I'll just hope and make Duaa for the best and inshallah good things will happen...
Peace!

A Rant

2011-03-04T10:32:00.001-08:00

Well I was in a relatively good mood until...
Get off the bed and clean up all this gigantic messy room! NOW!!
Then my mood changed from relatively happy to 'the worst mood ever'...
That just completely ruined my day I guess.. Cuz after that no matter what I did to cheer myself up or to bring my mood back to normal, I just felt worse. Yeah, I'm stupid for letting others ruin my day..
So the rest of the day I spent it pretty much sulking and feeling 'bored, but don't wanna do anything'...
This mood makes me think too much about things that I don't like to think about because basically these things aren't good news to me.
Stuff like university and college. This doesn't bring me good news, because no matter what my parents try to convince me of, I know that for at least the first year I'll be studying online. Now this wouldn't be a problem for me if I was living in a different country. But next year isn't looking too cheerful for me, no matter which ever way I think about it I find myself in a pool of self-pity... I hate this.
Then I think of escape plans, like how to avoid the inevitable boredom of next year. The only choice I'd have is... Nothing. That just puts me in drowning pool of self- despair... I hate this even more.
Then I realize how immature I am, so I think to myself 'Amni, it's time you learn to be an adult now, your 17 years old so now you should be acting like one. There are people your age living alone and working for themselves.' This just makes me feel even worse, because for some reason, I'm just that unthankful type of person that wishes to become a bit more independent than they already are. I feel like right now I'm too dependent on others, and in my immature mind... It just isn't a good thing.
So my mood today has gone from bad to worse, and I have no clue about what in the world to do. My siblings are driving me crazier than ever, they don't listen and have a BIT of respect for their older sister. I say go to bed, she tells me 'I don't listen to anyone'. I mean what's the use anymore? I don't even bother telling them to stop fighting, cause it's a totally lost case... I wonder if I'll actually be sane enough to actually go to college.

*Sigh* I'll need you Duas people, I seriously need to get my act together to pull myself out of this 'self-pity' mess I've made for myself.
Oh well...
Peace y'all.

Where I've been...

2011-03-04T08:07:00.001-08:00

Well remember I was gone, for like...the longest time ever?

Well I went to soo many places and here are a few (like literally few) since my internet is failing me, and it'll take FOREVER to load all the pics up...

Back~

2011-03-01T04:25:00.000-08:00

Well I've been away for a long time, with a very 'fail' of a net. But, hey! I'm back XD... I'll try my best to put up some really amazing pictures if I can XP, just need the time and all to put em up..So how u all doin?

Friends...

2011-02-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I believe that school is the best thing that happened to me, since it's the only way I get to interact with people physically and socially. Then on the other hand I feel sorry for myself for thinking those would be my friends 10 years from now. Sometimes, I feel like I'm fooling myself, because some of these people are simply acquaintances, not friends.
I wish I could keep all the friends I make, and I wish that I can make more friends than I have, but I know that it's human nature to have a certain amount of friends and that you can only keep relationships with a certain amount of people. I worry that I'll become the one that seems to cling onto the friendship like its the last thing that'll keep me alive, and I worry that some people that I consider good friends will drift away from me slowly with time. I also worry that I'll be the one to drift away from my friends.

This time I've been away from home, made me wonder who real friends are, and who aren't.
I miss all my friends, but in the long time, who will I keep good contact with? Who will I lose contact with?
I have a fairly good ability with keeping good relationships with people online, but for those who don't depend on the wireless world, will I be able to keep contact?
I really wonder about that...

Bad internet and a craving for soccer?

2011-02-21T05:25:00.000-08:00

Well lately my internet hasn't been too friendly, being in Jordan is kind of hard. I've been stuck inside these few days since its been pouring rain outside.

The result: A terrible craving for soccer.

I really wanna play soccer for some reason. I wanna just kick the ball at something over and over and over again. I also feel like running in the wind. Now I don't know if this is all because ever since I've left the US to live in the Middle East, I've been almost stuck in the house or at school. And school has no sports. So now....I just wanna run, and play. There's nothing better than running in the wind and your abayah flows in the air as you run :D. It's awesome.

I wonder if any of that made any sense but whatever =D

Feeling Blank and Empty

2011-02-17T05:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know why... I just feel like there's a lot going on in my head, but yet I can't think of anything that can possibly bother me. I can sit and stare into space for absolutely no reason. I have no clue why.

Currently I'm not at home, I'm in a different country for a while. I'm really interested in the psychology in this country. Almost everyone wears the SAME exact clothes, just different colors. Everyone stares when you walk/drive past them. Everyone seems too concerned with how they look. I'm really surprised about how this country has changed in the 5-6 years I haven't been here. Another thing, women here do not smile. It's so scary. They stare you down, but don't even smile. The men seem to be quite nice, but then again me and men don't get along as I always question their motives. It's all really interesting.

On the other hand, I really enjoy the greenery and the fact that most of the population doesn't depend on maids and foreign workers.

I'm currently missing alot of school in the process of my 'vacation'. I'll post up some pictures of the places I've been and things I've seen when I get better internet.

Peace!

Lack of internet

2011-02-11T02:24:00.001-08:00

i'll be off the blog world for a bit, cuz i have very limited internet...

Finally!

2011-02-01T01:46:00.000-08:00

No more exams to restrict my time, nothing to stand in my way other than CHORES...

Not fun, but must be done.

I've been waiting for this vacation since forever, and Alhamdulillah, it's finally here! YAY!!

You all don't know how annoying exams are at my school, they drag on for an eternity and then you only have like 2 weeks of normal school, and guess what.. LO AND BEHOLD exams again!! Now how fun is that?! Just perfect for someone who hates stress....

Oh well, now it's over :D

Peace!

Trusting Adults

2011-01-28T23:41:00.000-08:00

I am a pretty trusting person, I usually trust 'trusted adults' like teachers and the like. Sometimes things happen and that breaks the trust. Forever. No matter what happens I'll never trust a teacher when it comes to emergencies.

*Flash back to grade 7 (about 5 years ago)*

Fire drill goes off loudly throughout the school...

French teacher continues teaching...

Everyone runs around scurrying, trying to leave. A teacher from another class passes by and asks the teacher if its an arranged fire drill, but both seemed clueless, so obviously something was wrong. My classmates and I start leaving, when the teacher stands at the door blocking it not allowing anyone to leave.

People start pushing her out, trying to leave the building desperately. I'm one of those people trying to find my way out.

Suddenly the teacher grabs a girl and starts saying irrational things like, "I'll keep her here with me, and she'll never leave."

We all start to panic trying to leave, so we grab the other girl (that the teacher decided to grab) and we pull her out as we run, leaving the building. The teacher soon follows.

*End Flashback*

Now if someone experiences something like that, they are bound to NEVER trust a teacher again.

Sadly, I don't trust anyone. Especially in a country like this, where it's always 'everyone fends for themselves'. It's scary.

The schools windows are blocked, so in case of fire or smoke, we can't leave through the window. The doors to leave the school are usually locked, putting us all in danger.

Last year, an explosion happened in the chemistry lab in our school. All the school did was *Announcement* "Teachers, please take your students outside" *End Announcement* And the thing was most people didn't hear the announcement, we were told by the next door class.

There was no protocol on how to make sure all students were evacuated, or to make sure it was safe to go back inside. All I knew was we stood outside for about 20 minutes watching people come in and out of the school and then ta-da time to go back in.

Now I have no trust, absolutely NONE, in teachers. I don't trust em what so ever. Why should I? If you're supposed to learn from experiences, then I've learned to not trust any teachers, or 'trusted adult'.

That's What They Say...

2011-01-24T04:57:00.000-08:00

....But Is It True?

Time...

2011-01-24T04:12:00.001-08:00

Back on Saturday, I had 3 SAT II exams, right after each other. So when I'd finish the exam, I'd go back and try to do the ones I left and if I couldn't, I'd just sit there.

When I was sitting there, I looked at the big clock that was up front, and watched it slowly tick to each second that past. It suddenly dawned upon me that in every single second that past something immensely important was happening to so many other people in the world.

Someone dying, others coming to life. Some sad, others happy.

It just hit me that second, that I was sitting there doing nothing, just waiting for the time to end so I could leave. What annoyed me the most was that I could do nothing that minute except sit and wait. I have no idea what I would have done had I not been stuck in that room, but I wished to do something more inspirational and better with my time. Now that the inspiration of that minute is gone, I sit around and do a bunch of nothing again. I just think it's so weird how I have such a lack of self motivation.

I have no clue how to get myself to do things and I have a hard time getting most things done. It really sucks being the way I am.

Exams

2011-01-23T01:09:00.000-08:00

Oh how I just hate your existence, it's like you enjoy ruining people's lives, taking time away from them to give you attention. You come about every two weeks, so I never feel like I get a break. Every time you leave, I look at the calendar and see you coming back just in a few weeks...

When will you just go away and stop haunting me?

When will I be able to look at the calendar and not see you name written on half of it?

When will I be free from your burden?

Your like a splinter that never leaves my skin. It's annoying to have you keep bothering me, it's like I can't function normally when your around.

Realization...

2011-01-16T00:22:00.000-08:00

So now I've come to this very interesting realization. You could probably call it more of a conclusion.

Last year, I was really happy. I felt like I had the best friends in the world and I didn't need anymore, but this year I feel like I've kinda drifted away from most of the people I know. Except a few.
I think the reason for this is because I've been thinking alot about my future. Now when I think of the future, I kinda imagine all my 'current' friends (from highschool) being in their own country far away. It's kinda hard to lead a social life with only people in various countries. I mean your kind of a loner if you just chat with your friends online and have no friends to see.

The most important thing here, though, is that I feel like these people don't benefit me. Oh they benefit me, but not my soul. On the day of judgment I don't think I would be able to say these people really taught me something worth it. I feel like they might even be dragging me in the wrong direction in some ways. So this is when I come to the conclusion that it's time to move on.

Now that doesn't mean we aren't friends, or that we don't know each other from now on. It's time for 'ME' to find some more friends. Friends that'll benefit my soul.
I have some of those friends already, but I want to find some people here in this country, for two reasons. I want to prove that I can find people here that actually care about what I do. And to help benefit my soul.

Now I didn't just come to that conclusion blindly. Things have happened. I've noticed certain things in people that I never noticed before. Trust me these things disappointed me, but life is full of disappointments. Especially when your living in the middle east.

I feel like I'm growing away from these people, not closer to them, and it's kinda sad. No, It's really sad. It's something that was bound to happen one day, I think.
I think I also have this yearn to change something greatly in my life. I've been through a lot of change, and I think it's time for more. It's time for me to move on. Keep Moving Forward!

The New World Order

2011-01-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

Now this is a veeeery interesting topic. Lets just say that it's been discussed alot around me, so I guess I'll make a post about it.

Now it's really interesting how people can come up with very interesting conspiracies. The Illuminati and the Free Masons and the Aliens and the world ending in 2012. The whole thing is just so cute, really. I mean Aliens will come and 'attack us' and then we'll all work together. The US government controls the UN and brings us all together into one army to defeat the UFOs.

Oh and did you know Obama, Madonna, Lady Gaga, and even Rihanna. Oh and don't forget Disney's movies and cartoons have hidden messages that affect us in the best ways that are needed for The New World Order to work out.

All the world leaders are part of the 'Free Masons/Illuminati' group. And there's more.
They have symbols. The pyramid, the eye, and the black and white checkered tiles. The colors black and red are also symbols. The swastika (the symbol for Hitler and his cause).

It's just amazing, apparently,the world is being over taken by people, and we are just sitting here and doing nothing.

This is all just ridiculous, how can someone believe something so irrational, I mean think about it. How can someone just sit there and talk a bunch of nonsense so seriously? I don't believe anything of all this, I think its a joke.

How bout you? What do you think? Is it true? Got any proof?
I wanna hear about it. Put it all down there in the comments section. XD

Something Sad

2011-01-12T23:17:00.001-08:00

A few days back, when I still had my voice, I was going to my locker at the en of the day. I carried a few books in my hand and my locker keys dangled from my fingers. Then I met up with my sister (we go to the same school since it's K-12) and a person seemed to recognize her.
The Girl: Hey, N look at this! *Displays her scarf put on in a 'hijab' fashion except the bangs are sticking out*
N(my Sis): Chuckles.
The Girl: *Pulls it off all together* I'm not gonna wear it like that, since I don't HAVE to wear it.
Me: *Stops walking instantly* Why not?
The Girl: Well you know, I don't need to wear it so I won't.
Me: *disappointed* B-but aren't you proud to be Muslim *enthusiastic tone*
the Girl: Oh, yeah I'm proud, but I don't have to wear it so I won't.
Me: Don't you wanna go show the world 'Hey I'm PROUD to me Muslim!'?
The Girl: *Bored disgusted look*

What?! Why?! I mean ok when I was that age, I didn't HAVE to wear it either, and I got made fun of for wearing it. But I still wore it proudly (Mashallah) and I loved it. I could never in my life imagine leaving my house without it. It's like a part of me.

What are people teaching their kids? I've heard this once from a girl in the 6th grade.
"Well you know at my age I don't HAVE to pray, so I won't"
Why? Why don't you love Islam to the extent that you'll go pray because it's time for prayer? Where is the encouragement of parents, teachers, ANYONE?!
Why do you tell your kid that she doesn't have to so she shouldn't? Why can't you teach your kid to love their religion? Oh and you expect that when they are 18 they can go live in the West and be able to be a content Muslim. Great!

And you tell them their too young when they want to wear it, then when they have to wear it you force it on them, and they rebel.
This. Society. Is. Dysfunctional.

It's all done wrong, maids raising the kids, nothing for the kids to do, and the society ends up falling apart.

Why can't parents teach their kids the love of Islam? Why can kids graduate from highschool in a Muslim country not even knowing Juz' 3amma (30th part of the Quran)?
I've been living here for almost 7 years and I still get annoyed from the little things. Especially about Islam. There are people who struggle to live being Muslims. And Here where it's easy, they don't even bother to care one bit.

Unhappy

2011-01-12T13:04:00.001-08:00

Well I'm kinda bummed out here. It's been 2 days since I've lost my voice, and its so hard for me to live without talking(I didn't notice that till I lost my voice)...
So now I feel like I have so much to say, but can't say it. PLUS I'm coughing a ton and that gets me annoyed. Add to that the fact that I grind my teeth in my sleep and I have a headache. Oh my problems don't end there. I'm tired cuz I keep waking up cuz of my annoying fits of coughing. Not to mention I had to study for two exams this week and next week I have my mid-year exams. Oh and the week after that, I have SAT II subject tests. 3 IN ONE DAY bio, math L1 and math L2. I have no clue what I was thinking when I registered. Oh God!
See how crazy I am, yes I went to school and helped arrange desks, and THEN I went shopping. In the 'Shaamy' people mall (that's where all the people from Syria, Jordan, Lebanon and Palestine go to apparently).

Now it's 12AM so I guess I'll go off to bed and try to sleep.

Blog Awards and Random things about me!

2011-01-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

Well Perfectly Imperfect chose me, to do the '7 random things about you' blogger award thingy. (Yes, I know that didn't make sense.)

Ok so 7 random things about me.... Can I cheat?

Like ask a friend? I can't think right now, still recovering from a sickness that lasted more than 5 days (AKA swine flu according to mom)..

1- I feel like I can help people and understand my problems more than I can help and understand myself.

2- I get nauseous when I see blood, and this has been ever since I was little.

3-I've never been to a movie theater, but I have been to the OMNI-max in OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry)

4- All my life I've wanted to be a teacher, that is until I came here and saw how rude kids AND teachers can be, then I decided otherwise.

5- I don't really have a favorite color, it used to be pink, but now I like lost of colors, don't know which is my favorite.

6- One of my favorite things to do is sing, even though I don't think I'm that good, people think I am.

7-Currently I'm voice-chatting with a friend even though I'm voice-less right now, and coughing every other *whisper* .

Well that's it for the random things, which I obviously thought of myself (no cheating involved, I promise).

Ok as for the people I tag, well, I tag all my followers and anyone that wants to do this tag. XD

Gl y'all.

What happens when you shake the pepsi can and then open the top?

2011-01-08T07:13:00.001-08:00

Well it obviously bursts and starts tooting pepsi out.

So the past few days I've been sick with this terrible throat disease which someone kindly passed on to me, thank you.
I stayed home today from school since I wasn't feeling too well. Didn't do much other than watch TV, eat, and play on the Wii.
Then I went up to my room and spent time on my computer chatting with friends and all.
Then I came downstairs to eat something since my appetite was kinda coming back.
So I said something and my voice sounded funny, except everyone around me was saying it didn't. This caused a fit of laughter, where I laughed sounding like a chipmunk and everyone just stared at me like I'm stupid. And every time I'd try to say something my funny voice would come out and make me laugh more. This is the second uncontrollable fit of laughter I've had recently.

I don't know if it's stress build up or my mew way of dealing with stress.

You know what?
I think I need a break. Like leaving this country kinda break.
Oh dear vacation please hurry up and come, I'm waiting.

What's Gonna Happen?

2011-01-06T05:13:00.000-08:00

This is my last year of high school and that means next year is college. But for me it's slightly different, I will be doing online college, and in a country like this, my social life will come to a very abrupt end.

There was a point in my life where I decided I didn't need to be around people. I could live happily without other, didn't need a social life to sustain me. This was probably because I was more of an outcast, back then I didn't feel like I fit in with the rest of the world. Therefore, I didn't need company. I presumably lived happily.

Then 2-3 years ago, I started making a lot of friends, building relationships with others. I enjoyed their company and started having fun, going to their parties, and even just sitting and just chitchatting. I've changed from a really quiet person to a relatively (mashallah) out-going person. I now volunteered to help moms in a parent teacher meeting, where before I would never have done something that 'stupid' (that's how I thought back then).

So when I asked my parents about a 'future plan' it was more like "we don't know yet". I don't blame them for their 'i don't know' because I would be in the same position, if I were them.
Me: I'll be sitting at home all the time.
Dad: Oh no, you won't I'll share my office with you, the you can do some work.

Well the truth is that is not what I expected. I don't know how I'll solve this problem, because most of my friends and classmates will move away. I'm planning to do my best to keep in contact with those who are gone. And try to keep up with the few that'll be left here. The thing is, I live in a country where women can't drive, and its hard to just go somewhere. It has to be premeditated like a million times before you decide to go.

That makes my life a ton more depressing. Even if i could go to school, I'd have absolutely no reason to go there, and no one to see anyway. And since that reality just hit me recently, it seems to be bothering me. I keep trying to shut it out of my mind, but now it's just constantly annoying me.
I know that traveling outside the country to study is NOT going to happen. So I don't even think of that possibility. I won't even go to a non-Muslim country to live alone. And I don't really wanna split the family in half to come live with me, just because I wanna have a social life.

I won't study here, I refuse to. I will NOT study university in Arabic. They don't have what I wanna study and I don't think I can handle any more bratty Saudis in an English university. (I toured one of those uni's and the people there creeped me out, they act like they know EVERYTHING, sadly they don't know that much).

So now I feel kinda stuck, I just can't imagine how my life will be next year. I just wish there was some kind of solution to this all. I just want to be able to be social with out having to move away.

Some times I feel like moving away IS the solution, but I don't think my parents would like it if i traveled. And I don't think I'll be able to live without my family. Plus, moving away to the West isn't the smartest thing a teen could do. Especially when I've developed quite a few quirks by living here.
Like my extra-cautiousness around men/ older boys (extra freaky freaks here) and my constant surprise when people of the general public say things like good morning (doesn't happen here).

So yeah, it's hard to live here, maybe if I could drive, I would be able to make new friends and this whole problem wouldn't exist, but lo and behold I have this problem, and now I can't solve it.

Any ideas? I'm going crazy of thinking too much. I hope writing it down helped me a bit.

I miss you..

2011-01-04T07:14:00.001-08:00

I still remember your smiles. I remember your smirks.
I remember the look on your face when you looked for something sweet in the kitchen.
I remember your voice. And the way you'd always tell us how yummy the fruits are in Palestine.
I remember the way you'd get mad at everyone when you'd drive.
I remember the way you'd tell us if we didn't wear sweaters we'd get sick, and how if you slept with the A/C on we'd get sick. I remember the whole lecture about how drinking ice water will make you sick, but the next day you had a bottle of ice water in the car, and when we confronted you you just smiled.
I remember the way you'd drink pepsi and then give us a lecture on how bad it is for us.
I remember the time I stayed home from school, sick and you stayed at home with me. That day I felt bad because you ate food that was more than 20 hours old. And you said it was good. I felt bad, cuz I couldn't even eat it, the bread was hard and stale.
I remember your obsession with juice. You could drink all the different kinds on a normal day.
I remember how you'd say America wasn't the best place, but you completely enjoyed it when you went there. I remember you playing with the football we got in the parking lot of the hotel.
I remember you and the squirrel became friends, when you stayed in the hotel.
I remember the look on your face when you picked sweet peas and the look on your face when you ate them, and the enjoyment you had that day.
I remember the times you'd buy us chips and chocolates, just for the sake of it.
I remember when you were sick and we came and visited you.
I remember seeing you so weak, and trying to help you.
I remember how happy you always were to see us.
I remember how you look, how you smiled, how you laughed, how you did almost everything.
I remember the day you died, and left us.
I remember every bit of you, Grampa, and I miss you....More than I ever could imagine...
Allah yer7amak seedo.

Exercise

2011-01-02T05:18:00.000-08:00

I hate exercise. You wanna know why? Cuz now my muscles are in pain. PAIN!!!
Muscles I never knew existed are now in PAIN!
There's this crazy invention called the P90X and if it doesn't gimme the results I need Imma go nuts. BTW I don't usually exercise, therefore the rant. :P

One of My Biggest Fears

2010-12-30T00:34:00.000-08:00

In my life I've been through many experiences, I've met many people, lived in different cities and countries, and seen many changes.

All of these changes gave me a good impression on change, I can now cope with change fairly easily.
There is one thing though that doesn't make me too happy, and from this comes one of my biggest fears.

When I go back to see the people I know where I lived previously, I find so many disappointments that simply kill me. People that seemed strong and good Muslims have completely transformed into people that seem to be a little too carefree about Islam. This is when I thank my parents for bringing me to the harsh Middle East. My biggest fear is that I'll be one of those people, that I'll change in a way that'll make me a completely different person in a negative way.
I know I have my flaws, but I don't want those flaws to become the greater part of me and my personality, I wanna get rid of those flaws. When I see how some people have changed I get really scared, because that could've been me, or my family. There are few times where I realize that it was an advantage to come to the Middle east, but this is one of those few times. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

This Past Week

2010-12-29T03:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this past week has been a ton of stress that finally came off my shoulders today.

Saturday:

I received info about me being in charge of organizing the math competition.

I was totally surprised and dumbfounded, since it was pretty much the same thing as last year.

Sunday:

I was given the powerpoints to start preparing the jeopardies for the competition. I was also informed of some global competition the school wanted to to participate in. I found out that the competition is on Wednesday, I couldn't believe myself for taking over the responsibility. Went shopping from 8-11PM and then entertained some of my fav. guests till 1 AM.

Monday:

We started working on the decoration of the Math competition room, but we had to take too many lesson, which didn't allow us to do hardly anything. I spent the whole time I was at home working on the powerpoints.

Tuesday:

Spent the whole school day working on the math competition decorations, we barely finished on time, with only one day of work and VERY limited supply. I spent this day also at home working on the answer sheets to the questions and the powerpoints.

Wednesday:

Ok that's today. I spent my whole day at school prepare and conducting the math competition. I was the person that hosted the competition (read the questions, answers, tried to excite the crowd, and announced the winners). After the competition, I thought maybe I didn't have to stress too much, when two teachers walked in to search our bags for phones. I nearly died at hearing that info, but an awesome friend of mine (mashallah) saved my life.

Now I'm at home, my throat hurts and I'm starved, I only ate 2 Doritos pieces and 3 cupcakes with toffee frosting <3.>

Peace Y'all.

Life Update

2010-12-26T05:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday...

I'm sitting in class listening to what the boring teacher has to say when... (Let's say Mrs. G is teaching us)

Mrs S: Ummm *Looks around the class, then asks where a classmate is*

Me: Oh Mrs, she stayed home today, for some important meeting or something.

Mrs S: Oh Mrs G can I take Amna for a moment

Me: *Points to myself* Me?

Mrs. S: Yeah come...Ok I need you, I need your group to organize the math competition this year again.

Me: Noooo! Are you serious? *Forgets to ask when*

Today:

Classmate: EVERYONE IMMA NEED YOUR HELP FOR THE MATH COMPETITION THIS WEDNESDAY

Me: NOOOOOOO

So yeah, I have stuff to do. ALOT of stuff. So ppl pray its all easy for me. I HATE THIS UNORGANIZED school -.-

They put work on the students so abruptly its ANNOYING. And I thin I'm too nice to say no -.- Why? Why?

Doing good things are worth it?

2010-12-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

She drew the hangman on the paper, then she asked, quietly, if they wanted to play. I looked at them, one of them said a letter, but went back to their conversation the next second, they didn't want to be mean, they were just talking about something really interesting.

Instantere I was sitting rly, I felt really bad. No not bad, terrible. Thight beside her and I didn't even try to initiate conversation, and I just acted like she didn't exist right next to me, I just went on to write some part of a story.

Then I said, "E, the letter E," remembering the article I read earlier about the most used letters in the alphabet.
She looked at me, smiled and crossed out the letter E.

We then played hangman for the rest of the 40 minute lesson, and I now understand the sign.

This morning I was asking myself if doing nice and good things to people was ever worth it. At the end of the day they can just chuck you into the bin and care less about all the nice stuff you did for them, they can hate you forever, they can walk all over you if they wanted.

But you know what? The self-satisfaction that comes from doing these good things is totally worth it. And the Ajr (reward) you get of course. It's much better than any gift you can get. EVER.

But you wanna know something else?
The feeling you get from NOT doing these good thins is worse than anything else, and once you stop having feeling bad for others, you aren't a good person anymore.

That's my piece of wisdom. You agree?

No Motivation

2010-12-20T19:26:00.001-08:00

It's 6:18am I'm supposed to be off to school in less than 15 minutes. And I just don't feel like getting out of bed today. I think I didn't eat enough yesterday so I'm starved. SAT scores come out today(ppls pray they are good inshallah). And it's art day at school this means I'm in charge of giving ppl paint and stuff to draw their murals ...Oh God! How do I get myself into these messes. I'm a prefect AND class representative, therefore I'll be having a busy day, and currently I'm starved, but I don't feel like getting up. Maybe if I stay in bed I'll miss school and won't have to go. Watch some one kill me for that though. School president hasn't been at school and she's also my prefect buddy and I just hope she comes today I need her help with these crazy kids who will now have paints. I just hope this goes well. And I just hope that my stomach will feel better, it currently is upset cuz I starved it yesterday. I kinda expected someone to bring food home last night, but I guess I fell asleep after eating only chips and a few pieces of mini-pizza mom made oh and a half sandwich I ate for breakfast. And a few pieces of apple. That's all I ate. I understand stomach... I understand... Oh darn it's now 6:25am I think I should get outa bed. Pray for me ppl!

I HATE STEREOTYPES !!

2010-12-20T07:33:00.000-08:00

It's like 2:30 pm and I'm waiting for someone to come pick me up from school (Hello I can't drive here) so I'm in my class and this teacher comes and says that we need to wait outside. (she's the person that is supposed to make sure everyone is gone before she leaves.

I'm wearing my favorite Tigger T-shirt and my uniform skirt (I was wearing my uniform shirt, but took it off since it was the end of the day) and wearing my abayah ,which is open, over it. So as I'm walking out,

"Make sure you CLOSE that abayah!"

"Ok miss don't worry, I cover my face too" Waving my face cover (niqab) to show that yes I cover properly and I'm terribly freaked out of going out in public without covering properly. (especially wear my face cover in saudi since there are too many CREEPS, outside of saudi I don't cover my face, but i wear abayah and hijab)

"YEAH MAKE SURE YOU CLOSE THE ABAYAH!"

"Oh yes miss don't worry I will, I'm not the type to walk out with this open," I smile, hoping she would understand what I try to mean.

*MURDEROUS GLARE* "The Abayah" she says, and stomps away down the hall.

Excuse me, HELLO. PPL I was NOT trying to be rude, yes I AM wearing a PRINTED SHIRT and YES I know it's 'forbidden in the school', but please realize I WAS NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE.

Why is it that just because I'm a teen I'm treated like I'm a rude no mannered kid????

Why am I treated like some stupid piece of trash? I didn't even say anything rude, I was trying to be nice and loosen up your stupid duty, trying to make it a but more FUN perhaps.

Instead now you just yell at me telling me about my abayah. OH PLEASE don't go there. I could give you a lecture about how YOU should wear the abayah properly, without makeup please.

Now next time TRY being nice to people, cuz when I'm mad, I can give you a few creepy looks that you'll never forget, and then toss in a few smart comments and you will hate me for life, and I won't care. I realize that I am a Muslim and that I should be polite to you, and that's why I am.

Please, if your gonna tell someone to do anything related to Islam tell them nicely otherwise the person will rebel.

Seriously.. I hate the crap schools give you because OMG you are a teenager, you must have hormonal disorders and therefore your rude from the day you turned 13. (And even if I do have hormonal disorders you should be treating me nicely) No thank you miss. NO THANK YOU. I prefer being treated like a human (teens are not treated humanely by some ppl) really I do.

Alhamdullilah I have been raised well, I know my limits otherwise, someone would have been sorry. Sorry for yelling. At me. For yelling at me with no absolutely NO reason, just because I'm a 'teen'. WHY!!!!! I can't get over it, this is why I hate being a teen.

I. HATE. THIS. STUPID. SCHOOL.

*End Of Rant* Thanks for reading and pardon the grammar and spelling mistakes.

I hope this works out.

2010-12-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

Ok now I want you all to check something out, please enjoy. Try to comment, too.
The Blog Of Stories
Now it's only going to have one story for now, but its meant for more inshallah in the future. It's also a collaborative piece of work me and a friend of mine decided to do together. Hope you enjoy :D .

Squeak! POP!

2010-12-18T06:55:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago....

Me and my sisters share a room. Me and my youngest sister sleep on matching wooden beds, while the middle sis sleeps on a tall metal bed (like the one in the pic). When you move the bed or shake it it squeaks.

I am sitting on my laptop, minding my own business.
Middle sis walks in and climbs onto the bed.

*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*

Middle sis: AMNI!
Me: Yes?

*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*

Middle sis: AMNI!!!!
Me: Yes? Do you want anything?

*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*
*Squeak Squeak Squeak*

Middle sis: AMNI WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING ANNOYED!!!
Me: Oh, was that supposed to annoy me? I've learned to block those sorta things out, so now they don't bother me :P
Middle sis: How can you do that?
Me: What do you expect when I have to constantly deal with annoying people at school and at home?!
Her: You know your so annoying because you didn't get annoyed
Me: umm?
*******************************

Today...

My friend and I decide to meet up in a certain hall way at break to do our prefect duty...
I'm holding a mini M&M container and eating M&M's. She sees them and I tell her to take the rest, there's only like 5-10 pieces left. So I'm transforming into my "I'm all serious and mean expression" when...
*POP* in my ear...
*POP*
I don't really react.
My friend: Amni?
Me: Yes...
*POP*
*POP*

Me: KIDS OUT!
*POP* in my ear.
My friend: AMNI?
Me: Yes..
My friend: How do you handle that?
Me: I'm used to it trust me...
*POP*
Her: Awww
Then she hugs me.
Her: how do you stand it though?
Me: How would I know, I just do.

I find people get annoyed when I don't get annoyed when they are trying to annoy me..
Now that is a tongue twister that prolly doesn't even make sense. LOL!

The Pattern

2010-12-16T03:24:00.001-08:00

Now I don't know why, but I go through this pattern of blogging daily for a while, then I don't blog for like a week or two. I have no idea why this happens, because personally I'd prefer to blog everyday.

Now why am I saying this? Because I just wanna tell you all, I'm sorry for being such a lame blogger. And I'll try harder to blog more often.

Tragedy

2010-12-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

Aleve walked down the hall, minding her own business, thinking silently about how she did on her exam earlier that morning. Suddenly....

..............

*STOP*

*HEY You!! Walking in the hall! STOP*

She froze and looked behind her to see if she was the one the person meant to call, and surely she was. She stood there staring at the two women about to approach her, her eyes were wide and her expression was of surprise.

*Search her* one woman said.

*Search her VERY good* she continued.

Aleve then remembered the many stories she read online of people getting thoroughly searched by the TSA. She then was taken back to reality as the one of the two women dropped something

that hit the ground with a loud thud. Pieces shattered and the woman just kept searching her, invading her privacy, but that's what she dealt with because there were problems in the school with the "things".

After the search, the woman told Aleve she could leave.

Aleve then walked quickly to the room at the end of the hall, opened the door, entered and quickly caught a breathe she didn't know she was holding. She then tried to speak but she was still out of breath. She then mouthed out the word 'they're checking'.

The room which had been a quite peaceful, rested, and quiet place was now buzzing with noise as people frantically looked for places to hide their "thing"s .

To each person their "thing" meant something different. To some, it was their way home everyday. To others it meant news from their family. To some others it was a part of their daily life. To everyone, it was an important possession that sometimes meant status and wealth.

The many companies that made their "things" newer and more technologically advanced costed the most.

Can you guess what that 'Thing" is?

Write it down there in the comments I'll be putting the answer in the comments section on the 8th of December :D

Special People

2010-12-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

In my life I have met more people than I would have ever imagined. People from all over the world and that hold many different views.

Now I can't deny that my parents are very special people, mashallah, and made a very huge impression in my life, but I'm going to be talking about another special person that gave me hope that there'll be more people that want to motivate you to be a better person in this world.

She was my teacher for about 2 years and the whole time she inspired me to do better, islamically, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I bet you wouldn't believe it if I said she was a real writer mashallah, with real published books, that are so worth reading.

She is Umm Zakiyyah, an internationally acclaimed author who has written 4 books so far. If I Should Speak, A Voice, Footsteps, and Realities of Submission.

She taught us so much about life and warned us about hardships we may face. She made us realize things we would have never realized before. Barakallahu feeha. (May Allah bless her)

It was a time of my life where I had given up on finding a good teacher that would inspire me. In the US, where I lived, I had this wonderful teacher mashallah, who taught me all about infusing Islam into everything. She taught me poetry and writing. She taught me everything I wanted to learn. When I left I was saddened and hoped I'd get someone like her again through out my life, but years went by and I was on the verge of giving up.

Then when I was at the end of grade 8 a friend of mine told me to read a book, that it was very good mashallah, and that I'd enjoy it. I read the book and loved it, it was the first time in a while that I'd actually read something worth it. My friend then told me that the writer was in the school, but for that year and the next I never gathered enough courage to find this teacher.

Grade 10 came by and the first day of school was a great experience, and I found out that 'the writer' would be teaching me. I was so excited. And truth be told, I could say I got the hope I had lost. I found a teacher that could inspire a change, that could become a leader, and lead us positively, mashallah!

She taught me in grades 10 and 11 and then left at the end of last year (grade 11). It was so sad beginning a year without her, I kind of expected her to stay in the school till I was finished, and possibly a bit longer. The effects of her hard work is still remnant in the school, and her lack of presence is definitely felt this year.

May Allah bless her and make her successful in this life and the hereafter.

A big thanks to her for all the lessons she's taught me and many others, and may Allah reward her for the changes she's inspired in all of us.

Read her books y'all they are truly amazing Mashallah!

Respect: Americans and Arabs

2010-12-01T12:28:00.001-08:00

I'm went with my sisters, mother and friend a few years back to an international food festival. (or something similar)

My youngest sister usually has problems with annoying people pinching her cheeks and it was so bad that she'd start crying because people feel like injuring a child could be justified by the poor child's 'cuteness'. So I've become very defensive about her and I rarely let people touch her and at times even look at her.

So I'm at this festival and there are many different people from many countries, but the majority is Arab as we are in an Arab country. I'm walking with my sister to explore the area, when a group of Arab girls, who where slightly older than me at the time, walk up to us and see my sister and go 'Awww-'..Right away I said (in English and a very stern voice) 'Don't you DARE even touch her!!!' Right away you see the surprise on their faces and they back off mumbling something abt elbint elamreekiya (The American Girl).

A few minutes later I'm still walking around and another group of girls come along and say 'Aww' except this time I decided I'd experiment and talk in Arabic in the Saudi accent. So I say 'laa timsekeeha wa illa bitshoofeen' (don't touch her or else you'll see). The girls look at me and chuckle. 'Ohh el bint arabiyya, arabiyyah' (the girl is Arab, Arab) and completely ignored my stern statement. So I had to proceed in English and said 'If you put your hand on her, I'll have to do something you'd regret' and they become wide-eyed and look all scared.

I chuckled minutes after that experience and realized the lack of respect Arabs have for each other, but the fear they have from Americans. Or any English speaker for the matter.

Another experience I went through was at school when I first moved here, I had no experience in talking in the Saudi accent so I'd talk in my Palestinian accent and it's sad to say but those people had no respect for me until I said I was American. The minute I said American their faces lit up like I am some kind of celebrity or something. Then I got respect.

That's one of the things I hate about Arabs, especially Saudis, lack of respect for themselves and others. Another proof of their lack of respect, was when I moved to the central providence from the eastern providence here in Saudi, people noticed my accent was western, so they disrespected me. When I learned the central providence accent, I was respected again.
What happened to 'la yaskharu qawmun min qawm' (no group of people makes fun of another group) in our beautiful religion? What happened to like for your brother what you like for yourself? What happened to a Muslim is to another Muslim like a brother is to his brother, they don't hurt or injure each other? What happened to the civilized concept of respect?

You all know what?...

I'm happy for Americans who generally respect all people. There are always exceptions, but in general, I find they respect each other and others around them. I truly thank all those people out there from all other countries who treat all people fairly and justly.

This is a time where I'm more proud to be American than Arab. And I think you know why...

Unanswered Questions....

2010-11-30T05:28:00.000-08:00

Would things be different if I hadn't moved here?

Would I still be the same person?

With the same personality?

Would I have similar friends?

Would I like the same things I do now?

Would I wear similar clothes?

Would I think the same way?

Would I understand the world the same way i do now?

Would I have met similar people?

Would I understand humanity the same way I do now?

Would I still have the ability to solve problems like I can now?

Would I have been a better person, or would I have fallen into the many fitnas that are so prominent in the US?

Would I understand how people's personalities work, yet still understand my own at the same time? Or would I be like I am now, understanding others more than I feel like I understand myself?

Would I still love to buy tennis shoes and wear them till they are worn to bits?

Would I still have the ambitions I have now?

Would I still have the pride to be both American and Palestinian?

Would I still throw my 'Arab Pride' away when I find something embarrassing Arabs do?

Would I hate Jordan the way I do now?

Would I have wanted to move here to see what it's like?

Would I learn that people can hurt you and hurt you again?

Would I still have the ability to forgive again and again?

Would I have my outgoing personality and still love to meet new people?

Would I still be able to bear the pains I can today?

Would I be at the same educational level I'm at?

Would I like to do different things?

Would I still be proud of my Hijab?

Would I have known not to judge a book by it's cover and a personality by it's appearance?

Would I have known that family can hurt you more than any other person in the world?

Would I have known that family can also help you out when your in the depth of despair?

Would I have the ability to say things right as they are?

Would I still be interested in Islamic History and our ancestors?

So many questions unanswered...

The answer is all in one sentence "Kullu Naseeb" (my favorite arabic expression)

It's basically translated to 'it's all what fate has in store for you'.

Allah destines everything to happen in a special way, we don't understand somethings for a reason and that helps us become content in our lives that contain so many unanswered questions...

Walking Around With a Digestive System

2010-11-29T03:39:00.000-08:00

You see those pics? Well that's what me and some of my friends did for our biology project.

So after we brought it to school (we do projects at home) and through all the stuff we went through to get it there, we had to look for our teacher to hand it in. So we found the teacher and decided to bring the project to her.

Imagine the looks we got. We felt like we were carrying a dead body or something around the school, people looked at us like we were really scary people. Then we bumped into the teacher in the hallway, so we told her that it was for her, and she was so happy and surprised. So we decided to show her our 'special feature' , which is that there is a tube that takes the 'food' (water in this case) from the beginning of the digestive system to the end.

The weirdest part was that we did it in the hall way, IN BREAK TIME. So everyone was watching. A truly weird and awkward experience to have. People had really interesting things to say about it and others just laughed. Never thought something like this would happen in my senior year.

Capitalization

2010-11-28T09:55:00.001-08:00

Again we are taking capitalization in English.
So as the teacher takes her book out I remember my infinite love for grammar ...NOT...
After all these years of drilling it in our heads we are expected to forget it and relearn it AGAIN... They don't think grade 1-11 is enough, they also must include grade 12. How lovely.. NOT

So the teacher begins to list the things that need to be capitalized...(obviously stuff in brackets is what I added)
Something like this:
1-the beginning of a sentence
2-I is always capital
3-proper nouns
4-historical places (umm don't ask, I thought they were proper nouns too)
5- Days of the week (again, not a proper noun?)
6-geographical locations eg. Lakes, mountains (are they not proper nouns?????)
7- seasons eg. Winter, Summer

WHAT!!!!!
So we asked her... If I say, "Today was the first day of winter." then do we capitalize?
She said they are ALWAYS capital.

HUH?!?!?!?!

So I look in the book it's not mentioned. I look online and it says, in general, seasons are not capitalized. ( yes I know there are cases in which they are capitalized andI understand them) Ok, I'm relieved to know I'm right, but how about everyone else. They know it's not true (for most of the part). I just hope that someone at least qualified in grammar will appear out of no where to remind us of the true grammar rules.

Oh! I just ranted again. Sorry!

It's All In My Calendar

2010-11-28T09:33:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was my 17th birthday! Yay for me! After quite some research (Islamic) my mom decided that it's ok to acknowledge birthdays and make em happy b-days.

Middle sis: *evil glare* It's ALL planned out...

Me: *innocently chatting online with a friend as usual* what?

Her: It's all planned right here in my mind.

Me: What is?

Her: Your future! Your gonna see! (tone here is mean)

Me: *surprised* what did I do?!

Her: Your gonna see!

Early the next morning...
Bro: It's ALL in my calendar! (mean tone)

Me: *look up innocently from the dishes that I'm washing* what is?

Bro: Your last day of school, the day you leave, EVERYTHING!!!!!

Me:Huh?! *thinks, since when did he even HAVE a calendar, oh right technology, but he NEVER uses calendars*

Bro: Yes! It's all there, it's even a countdown! (mean tone)

Me: Did I do anything? And since when did you keep track of things?

Bro: It's all there and just let me remind you IT'S YOUR LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL!!!!

Me:Ok...I know...

I'm still clueless as to what I did wrong and i feel completely lost. Why the reminders all of a sudden?

I think my bro thinks I get aggravated by the constant reminder of my last year of school...but I'm still lost about the calendar and why they are treating me that way....

Loyalty and Things I Learned About Life

2010-11-25T10:36:00.001-08:00

Sorry about the lack of posts lately..

I watched two amazing movies in this past week and they both taught me amazing lessons so I thought I'd share them.

*Warning: Possible spoilers*

The first movie is Hachi. Now this is a really sad movie about a man who finds a dog, he raises this dog and names it Hachi. Everyday Hachi and the man would go to the station together and the man would get on the train and Hachi would go home and return later in the day to greet his master at the station. Until the man died. Hachi waited for his master day after day for 10 years, until Hachi himself died. It's a story of pure loyalty and a lesson for us all to learn. It was really sad to watch, especially the end when he waits for his dead master.
FYI: This is a true story that occurred in Japan around 1930.

The second movie I watched is called The Five People You Meet In Heaven. It is a movie made for the book with the same name by Mitch Albom. The story is about a man named Eddie and how he meets 5 people after he dies to explain many things that happened throughout his life. It's all about how every life touches another and can somehow change the other's life unknowingly. It's about how everything happens for a reason. It's about war and hardships. It's also about loyalty and the value of human life. Truly a great movie to watch and a great book to read. (I read the book then watched the movie.)

Hope you all get the chance to watch these movies as they are truly amazing.

Eid Mubarak!

2010-11-16T10:04:00.001-08:00

Eid Mubarak everyone!
Inshallah you have a fun and awesome Eid!
Take care...

The Problem That Will Be With The Next Generation Of Kids From The Middle East...

2010-11-11T04:12:00.000-08:00

As I said in my previous post I have met some of the most rude kids ever, and now I will propose my lovely advice to those people out there that have never experienced cruel rudeness from a kid about 8 years younger.

So as I said in my previous post, I have become a prefect. My job in the school is to make sure all kids leave the school buildings and sit outside during breaks. The purpose of this is that students aren't watched in classes and then fighting and stealing happens.

I am in charge of grades 4,5,6,7 and occasionally 8. (Our school is from KG to 12) Last year I was only in charge of 9 and 10. And back then I thought those kids were bad, but now I understand that this society is slowly declining in the 'respect' field.

It was my first day trying out for prefect in the 'junior section'. I am known as a serious prefect that doesn't play around. I do what it takes to get the job done the best I can, so I was chosen for the younger kids. I walked into grade 7A and said,

"Excuse me everyone, you all need to leave, it's break c'mon."

The students look at me like.... WHO ARE YOU TO KICK US OUT?!

And one student says, "Make me!"

I was like... " Excuse me? I said something and out of respect you should at least say something respectful."

She looks at me from top to bottom and just says, "Whatever."

Then I started getting angry because everyone was ignoring what I had just said.

I made my voice the loudest I could (my voice doesn't get loud, instead it gets scary according to people), and I said "OUT NOW! I'll be back to make sure your all gone!"

I then walked out and hoped that they'd actually leave, since when I was in grades 1-11 I had immense respect for 12th graders, but of course they had to surprise me and ignore my requests.

I walked to the next class and said, "STUDENTS!"

They all looked towards me and I secretly felt relieved that this class might be better, so I said, in a lower voice, "You all need to go outside since it's break."

Most of them just went back to what they were doing, while one girl said, "Who said we have to go out?"

I wasn't angry, because maybe she didn't know the school rules, so I just said, "It's part of the school rules that you should leave during breaks."

Then I stood at the door waiting for them to leave. No one walked through the door. I waited. Nothing. "EXCUSE ME! I SAID SOMETHING! HAVE SOME RESPECT!"

They start walking out.

Ok. Finally, at least someone listens.

Next class.

"Hi everyone! Lets go outside, the weather is nice and its real cool come on." I said, thinking maybe talking 'nicely' would help.

No response.

"HELLO!"

Nothing.

I started feeling hopeless and I just walked out.

I tried going from class to class, and I went back to the classes I started with hoping that maybe someone listened.

No one cared.

Break ended and when I met up with the other prefects they were all fuming, and I completely understand why.

Kids these days are raised carelessly by maids and/or careless parents. If you walk down an isle in the grocery store you hear kids disrespecting their parents and other shoppers and the parents care less about their kids. It's a really sad site.

Why can't moms these days get off their beds and stop sleeping and start teaching their kids how to talk to other human beings?

Another thing that really creeps me out is when I talk to my mom in public, people tell me that my mom treats me like a friend (mashallah). So if my mom exceptionally treats me like a friend, then how do other moms treat their kids? Do they always yell at them or something?

So, to all those people out there, raise your kids properly. Your not the only person that will suffer later from lack of proper morals.

AND.... I'm back!

2010-11-10T02:52:00.000-08:00

Salam dear readers, if there are any left.
I'm back!
Well for the time being. I'll get around to the comments that some people kindly posted, but all in its time my dear pheasants. (Yes I have decided you are my pheasants.. HAH!)

So how bout I update you on all that happened recently...

I was nominated for student council president. (I was actually kind of kidding around when I submitted the form to be nominated.) When I was nominated I decided to try it out, and what ever happened, happened.

So my lovely, awesome friends actually helped me out with my posters and they did an awesome job. Then I wrote my speech...

Days later I actually gave my speech without practicing... And as usual the mic was a FAIL! But it was fun. I got to experience and "no practice speech" experience.

You all wanna know if I won or not..Well I feel like I won in a way. Cause my friend was also running for president and she won. And so even though 'I' didn't win, I feel like I didn't really lose.

I also was assigned to be a prefect ( a job that requires me to kick a bunch of 6th and 7th graders out of the building during breaks).

Now my next post inshallah will be about how people should RAISE their kids. I promise you all, I have met some of the rudest kids on the face of the earth. NO RESPECT WHAT. SO. EVER.

Anyway...

Farewell my dear human fellows, I shall be heading over to the dentist.

2 weeks...

2010-10-28T05:03:00.000-07:00

I'll be gone for 2 weeks inshallah. Gotta really practice for the SAT thats coming up, I'm trying to get 2000 so make Duaa for me people.

After 2 weeks i'll take a few days off to chill out hopefully. Inshallah.

Well then salam y'all!

Why?

2010-10-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

Look at this picture......
No....Look again...
See it?
Ok I admit it's not clear.... But look....
Do you see that?
Look again...
It's a pump...in a cage...

I see it pacing back and forth trying to get out...It's sad in there all alone waiting for someone to come buy it and save it from its misery...

I think maybe it'll grow feet and legs (or as they say in Arabic teli3loo rijleen) and just run out.
Or maybe it'll grow wings.

WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE A PUMP IN A CAGE??!!
*Whispers* What? louder please! say that again, maybe I didn't hear it....

Ohhhh because someone will steal it?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Well it's true people...apparently there are people who will go and steal you pump and then sell it to a man who will probably be the same guy you go to buy a new one. Don't believe me?
Well I know someone who's pump got stolen...and the whole building had no water. Because of a pump getting stolen.
Now is that hilarious or what? I don't get it....

Stealing pumps.....

My "Story" blog....

2010-10-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

So I need to get seriously writing and stuff.... and then I have this friend that wants me to permanently move my blog over to Tumblr. So to compromise I decided to start my story blog at Tumblr. That will be right here. I'm still not good AT ALL at writing stories and all, but I need the encouragement and all so people PUH-LEEEZ visit my story blog and comment... leave a comment is the most important thing EVER!

Where I have been...

2010-10-21T02:20:00.000-07:00

For the past 6 months I have been what I'd call 'mentally busy'. I'd be constantly worried and stressed and I'd feel almost like I have no motivation to do nothing. Every time the phone would ring my nerves would be at end, worry filling me all the way. The reason for all this worry would be my grandfather, who had been struggling with pancreatic cancer for longer than 6 months....Until last Sunday...

I came home from school to find stacks of chairs in our yard. I knew right away. His struggle with the suffering has ended. I went right into the house struggling with my emotions as I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen knowing that people will come for the next three days to mourn his death.

As I washed the dishes the tears would try to come, but I'd force myself to focus on the work at hand. Then...
"Amni, why is everyone so sad?" asked my little sister.
"Well, something happened, can you please help me clean the counter?" I said.
She looked at me disappointingly and helped me clean the counters.

I couldn't tell her. It would break my heart, and I'd break down. The only thing I couldn't get myself to do was to cry in front of anyone. I had to be strong.

My grandfather was a man that loved kids. He loved being around babies and making them laugh and smile. He was the one who taught my little sister how to walk.
He was also a person who loved sweet things. And just about 3 years ago we went to a U-pick farm that had sweet peas. The look on his face as he picked them, and later on ate them, was a priceless childish look. He was so excited to see so many sweet fruits and veges.
Back in the days where he was still able to drive, he used to come and pick us up in this car that used to frequently break down. We were quite younger and loved to get out of the car and explore things, and try to buy water from the vending machines (that didn't work) in the middle of the desert heat. We always used to irritate the poor man.
He had his own way of doing things and at times he would put on his sunglasses and turn on the radio and tap his feet to the rhythm of the music, bringing back the glory of his younger years.
Once, when I was attending Kingdom schools he came to pick me and my siblings up from school.
Some people had parked in front and behind his car (which was parked on the side of the road) and they (here the 'they' refers to the hired drivers) weren't in the cars so he backed up, hitting the car behind him, and drove forward hitting the car ahead of him (these were expensive cars of princesses and princes) and got out of the spot with a very sly smile on his face as he put on his wrap-around glasses and drove away quickly.
Once my grandpa stopped his car next to a teenager who had his music on so loud you could hear it ten miles away, my grandpa gave him a lecture about how you shouldn't do that while we were in the car.

He was a person that always had hope that we'd return to Palestine one day, and would always tell us how sweet and tasty the fruits are in Palestine. He'd tell us about the weather and describe the beautiful places. He'd tell us about his childhood with a smile of hope on his face, that one day we'd go with him to Palestine.

May Allah forgive his sins and grant him a high level in paradise, Ameen.

Life lessons part 7

2010-10-12T10:10:00.001-07:00

Me before and me now.
This is a post on the difference on me before and me now. I've completely changed to a different personality after going through all these hardships, which I still face on some occasions these days.

Before I was shy, reserved and quiet.
Now I'm more outspoken (mashallah) and I can confront people quite easily.

Before I was always polite and I always said things exactly how they are.
Now I can be blunt and really sarcastic at times.

Before I had no courage to talk to people, whether I was the new student or some one else, I would just remain quiet until I warmed up to the people around me.
Now I welcome new students to the class, and I possibly freak them out by telling them that one day I had a quiet personality.

Before (I know I was sensitive) I used to cry if I forgot a book at home, didn't do my homework, or got in trouble.
Now I break the rules and get scolded and 2 seconds later I'm laughing at what the teacher just said (and probably do what I did again).

Before i would follow the rules with every detail and I was definitely afraid of punishment.
Now I laugh at the punishments (we don't ever get punished) and I break the rules at least 3 times a day. (that includes rolling up my sleeves, skipping the morning assembly, staying in class during break, reading and writing other stuff during class, having nail polish on at school, forgetting books, etc)

Before I didn't truly understand the value and the risks of friends.
Now I know that friends either drag you to good or push you into bad.

That's all I could think of at the moment, enjoy!
More to come (I think)!

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Life Lessons part 6

2010-10-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

*This is so very real, on my perspective of the part of my life that most sticks out to me.

For a long time in my life I always hid inside my little shell, and there was some time in my life where I truly believed that life is possible without socializing with other people, and I could live without friends. I didn't need to talk to anyone. I didn't need to get my point across, all I did was sit quietly and listen to others.

This happened within the past 2 years mostly...
When I moved over to SAT and was welcomed warmly I felt comfortable with opening up to others and speaking with everyone. I slowly came out of my shell and got used to talking with others, but I was never the person I am today, because I was still shy around others that I didn't know.

I believe what helped me to become more outgoing were 2 great friends and 1 great teacher that taught me important life lessons.
The first friend was one of those people that, mashallah, seem to know everyone. She could stand on stage mashallah and talk or perform and look like she isn't a tad bit nervous. She was one of those people that I thought was completely out of reach, I never thought I'd get to know her, but subhanallah it was by Allah's will that I would get to know her. She was head prefect, (a prefect is, I think a British word, basically the head of the group of people that make sure all students are out of the school building during breaks. I was a prefect that year.) head of my debate team, and practically the student in charge of too many things. She taught me how to be able to talk, shout, and yell at all those people that never listened. (The whole time we practiced the debate she kept saying louder, LOUDER. Until she realized my voice isn't very big, no matter what you did.)
The second friend is one of those people that could make friends with all mashallah. She can talk to almost anyone, pretty outgoing, and a fun loving random person. She taught me that I can be who I am without really caring what people cared about me.

The teacher is a very special one mashallah. She knew my abilities and tried to help me bring them out. She was the one who got me to participate in the debate, when I was going to back out.

I think one of the best things that happened to me that year was that I became a prefect. My job was to basically go from class to class and make sure that all students leave the buildings during break. This made me be able to talk to people I never wanted to talk to. It made me yell at people, when before I could barely say a word. When people got rude, I could talk back and
make sure their smart-mouths won't think of saying a word about me again. I was learning.

Soon enough I took upon myself many responsibilities that required an outgoing personalities. And as I accomplished them, I gained confidence and the ability to speak to others.

Now mashallah I can speak to almost anyone, and I realized the value of good friends.

Another thing that happened that year was something unexpected. I, being a person who was fairly good at math all my life mashallah, had confidence in my abilities to some extent. Till I failed my math mid-term. Between my own disappointment and frustration, my self-esteem was bound to crash for the second time. To keep myself at proper health and sanity I had to constantly remember that I was sleeping from 2am to 5am daily, with no naps. I was taking care of my siblings (my parents were out of town) and dealing with their problems. I also had to deal with anything involved with my grandma (who stayed at our house while my parents were out). I had no chance to study for this exam, and the driver had a minor car accident that morning when we were in the car. After that, my relationship with my math teacher was destroyed, and I lost almost all my confidence in math.

That math test almost changed my life. ALMOST. Well, it did. It taught me a few lessons. But it was about to change my life in a different way.
I was given the choice (I'm sorry to say this, but this choice should never be given to any teen again, especially when school is about to go bad) to homeschool and take the GED (not a good choice at all), or finish high school. The moment school went bad in my perspective, I immediately considered homeschooling. I remember telling my self khalas, I'll just stay home. Who cares about friends.
I made a big deal about it all and was completely stressed out. I hated school I was just about to leave it.
I remember through all the drama I made out of choosing I would sway from one choice to another, like it was something easy to just go back and forth. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. I was lost, and my parents didn't help me out, if anything they caused the problem at the time. But I'm thankful I went through all that, because I would have never learned about decision making, and what regret is like. I now know why I would have regretted my choice. I would have never gotten the chance to become who I am now.

More to come inshallah.
Hope you enjoyed. :D

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

2010-10-04T19:11:00.001-07:00

Well this week has been quite busy and interesting. I got some kind of weird flu\ cold from school and it has been real evil. Ok inshallah I'll update today when I get back from school with another part of the life lesson series.

15 Random things about me.

2010-09-29T04:05:00.000-07:00

Ok people, I've been tagged by Sadiyah to state 15 random things about me and then tag 3 other people.

So 15 random things about me....

1- I'm a poet, but hardly ever write poetry.

2- I didn't like ketchup, mayonnaise, tarter sauce, cottage cheese, root beer and Dr. Pepper till I moved away from the US, and they don't sell the cottage cheese and Dr. Pepper here except on a rare occasion. I don't know why I started liking the other stuff, kinda weird.

3- I'm a animal lover but I'm afraid to death of the clear gecko-y lizards.

4- My favorite foods are salad and yogurt with fruits and granola.

5- Procrastinator is my middle name, I'm the kind of person who waits till the last second to do something, even when I have a lot of time on my hands.

6- I still watch kid cartoons.

7- I'm very unorganized.

8- I'm both an American and a Palestinian at the same time.

9- There was a period in my life where I thought mac and cheese was the most disgusting thing ever.

10- I cry real easily when I watch or read something real sad.

11- I get bored of things real easily and I actually change my room around about every 2 months.

12- One of my hobbies is searching up quotes on the internet.

13- I like to eat dark chocolate.

14- I have been sent out of the class more than 3 times in my life.

15- I smile at myself when I look in the mirror.

Ok those are my 15 random things .....

Now who am I supposed to tag.....

This is a hard one people, real hard. Harder than last year's math exams.

I tag:

1- Sunohara, from Random Logic

2- Amira

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And school starts!

2010-09-25T19:55:00.001-07:00

School has just started yesterday, and it was a complete chaotic mess. Some classes (groups of students) don't have classrooms. Is that insane or what? Plus I witnessed teachers getting hired on a whim as I walked around the school premises trying to find out who in the world are our teachers.
At the current moment we have no schedule yet, no clue about who our teachers are, and school is on it's second day.
A big mess? Well if I think my school is a mess the primary elementary section of the school consisted of an angry mob of parents, and guess who was there...my mom. I went over there to check out the situation since lil sis is starting school this year. And woah! I was engulfed by the chaotic mess that was almost impossible to leave.

We'll see how today goes (the second day). Hopes are that inshallah I can at least find out my schedule. At least....find out my schedule.
So how did school go for the rest of you all?

Life Lessons part 5

2010-09-22T23:18:00.001-07:00

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

I took the end of the year exams and passed with fairly good grades, mashallah. I expected better, but I was still struggling with all the stuff I missed those 3 years.

Then school started the next year and I was in the 10th grade. I was moving over to what we call the SATs otherwise known as the American curriculum. I was moving to new grounds where I didn't know teachers, students, and subjects. On the first day of school that year they had the home room teachers stand outside with signs. And we were supposed to go and stand in line behind the teacher with the sign. So I asked the teacher if my name was on her list, and it was. ( I didn't want to get in trouble again like the year before, it was lesson learned for me.) So I stood in line when the girl in front of me asked me if I was new. I told her I have been in the school for a year and a half and I was just moving to SATs. Then she asked me why I'm moving and I told her that I'm American and I don't see why I should study I British curriculum. The truth was those wounds were still healing, and I didn't want them to resurface. When we went to class I chose my seat and was treated with respect. I was with many people like me, new to the country and the mentality. I instantly made new friends that really helped me out mashallah in every way they could. The first day really caught me by surprise completely.
It was fun, and I found out I'd be having a writer for an English teacher mashallah! I was so excited since I read her books beforehand. All the teachers taught us like proper teachers, every person respected the other mashallah. The difference between IGs and SATs is like night and day. I had some of the same teachers in SATs as I had in IGs but they had completely different personalities. I was too surprised, and didn't know how to react.
I was gaining confidence and my self esteem was almost back to normal. The only thing in my self esteem that changed was, I became immune to failure, or so I thought. At the time, if I failed I took it lightly and I told myself I had another chance. I would fail quizzes when I didn't feel like studying or paying attention. I didn't do my homework in some classes but for the most part I was trying to improve. And mashallah I think I did a good job that year. I was still sort of quiet, but I was learning to speak up.

People still stepped on me from time to time, I still wasn't confident enough to stand up for myself every time I was blamed for something. But for most of the part that year was a pretty good year for me, not too many problems concerning me personally as a human. There were times where I was too stressed out and my energy was drained, but I held out.

That year was also when I kind of abandoned a friend, that helped me out when I started school. I felt that I had found better friends concerning Islam and personality. So I thought that maybe she was a bad apple and that I'd try to avoid her. The truth is, I didn't know how to handle a bunch of friends so I just abandoned one for a group. This hurt our friendship somewhat, but a year or two later I found out how to balance all of them together, and sadly that was after she moved away to another country.
I was overwhelmed by the number of nice people mashallah in the SAT, our class was like a big family.
This was also when I got connected with my friends from childhood, the people I knew from ISP. I emailed one of them and she replied back. When I read her reply I realize that Allah has brought two friends back together and mashallah it was great. But after exchanging emails with her and a few other people, I realized that I had lost something. Something that won't be easy to get back. Something that makes life easier, more fun, and happier. And that was Islam.
Yes, I prayed mashallah and I fasted Ramadan. I did what I had to, to remain Muslim. People around me thought I was religious for doing the basics, so I held myself at a high level. BIG MISTAKE! With that I slowly did less and less of what made me a proud Muslim, and all I did was the basics.
When I talked to my friend/s I realized that they'd say things that became foreign to me. Simple words like, Subhanallah. It was like I heard it for the first time. I felt like I found Islam, even though mashallah, I was born Muslim.
I kept contact with those people and they are still who keep me who I am. Or who I want to be.

That is one of the most content times of my life. I realized Islam cannot be substituted in your life and it's what gives you happiness. The other thing I realized was how people, including myself, have an effect on others. You may guide and misguide by saying one word. So watch what you say. And may Allah give us guidance and the gift to guid people to Islam.

Next up...
Self esteem repaired...I don't think so.
The inner battle on whether to homeschool or not.
Is that a friend or foe?
How did I deal with what came my way?

Me before and me after. Who's better and why?
All coming up on the next few posts inshallah. Stay tuned!

(The ending parts sounds like a news report don't you think?)

Life Lessons part 4

2010-09-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

This part of the story is quite a painful memory, but is where I have learned the most, and it is held very highly in my mind as one of the most character building times in my life.

I came to this school about 6 weeks before the year was over, and those six weeks were uneventful for most of the part.
Or at least until the report cards came. It went something like this:

Mom: "Look it's your report card!"
Me: "Really!" *takes one look at the 'total average' at the bottom of the paper*
Mom: *Slightly disappointed* "That's pretty good, granted you've only been in school for less than 6 weeks."
Me: *Thinks* "Oh great, I passed, that helped my morals, just crashed my self-esteem for the second time in a 3 month period."

Basically I passed with a score that wasn't up to my expectations. Talk about a terrible year.

The next year was kind of like the REAL first year of school for me at that school. So the first day was really important. Or at least in most cases it should be, in my case it was but in a different way.

I was supposed to go to the 'IGCSE' class for 4 subjects. Or so I thought...
So I went and sat in that class, and I was just starting to get used to the atmosphere. When a teacher walked into the class...
And said:
"Anyone who doesn't belong, OUT!"
Then she began reciting names, then said:
"Anyone who's name wasn't mentioned stand up.NOW!"

Of course as things were just meant to be for me, I was the only person who's name wasn't mentioned. What I didn't know was, that because I got less than a 90% on my last report card, I had to go to the 8 subject IGCSE class.

I stood there, heart beating 200Mph. When I feel insecure I think it's a natural reaction for me to stand with my arms crossed, in a kind of bossy way. And boy did I get the heat for that!
"PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN NOW! AND STAND UP STRAIGHT!"
(I normally don't stand up straight for what I could call medical reasons or genetics, but I can when I want to.)
So I stood straight as a stick hands down beside me, completely freaked out. And ...
Well let's say she wasn't done.
"LOOK DOWN AT THE BLOODY FLOOR! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! GET OUT OF THIS CLASS!"
I think at that moment I was about to cry, but my pride prevented me.
I said in my usually mousy voice, "Miss, where do I go?"
"STOP TALKING BACK! OUT I SAID!"
And so..
I walked out. I wandered in the hallways till I found a teacher that would help me, and she was quite helpful. Alhamdulillah for her, another life saver in my life at the time. I bet you all my cheeks were as red as tomatoes and I looked like I was going to cry.

I have no idea why my parents chose to put me in the British curriculum, even though I am American. Neither one of them could help me with my studies, because the books taught things in weird ways, and I completely lost track without a clear explanation. I was expected to ONLY MEMORIZE. And if I couldn't memorize, I'd fail. I took subjects I knew nothing about, and sat in classes where teachers spoke in accents I couldn't understand. My life was at its zenith of badness.

A few things happened that year that I'll remember forever.
The first thing I remember, was the first time I actually stood up for myself in my entire life.
I was in business class listening to the teacher speak to the few members of the class actually listening, when the girl behind me decided to play with my hair. So I turned around to tell her to stop when the teacher said, "You, GET OUT OF THE CLASS NOW!!" *pointing straight at me*
I stood up and everyone looked at me. Then I said in a calm and collected voice, " No, miss, I will not go out, I didn't do anything wrong, and the person that should be kicked out of class should be her (the girl behind me)."
The teacher yelled, "GET OUT NOW, BOTH OF YOU!"
I said, "Sorry miss, I won't be punished for doing nothing wrong."
That's when the teacher walked out of the class crying. Literally, crying.
At the time, I cared less if the teacher ran out throwing her pens, markers and board eraser on the desk and started crying. I actually felt triumph and I felt like I won something really big at that time.
Now that I look back, I learned to stand up for myself. The teacher came back and apologized, somehow I'd soon become one of her favored students.

The second thing that happened is where I learned that knowing world dialects is important where teachers are from many places. I don't want anyone to take this in an offensive way, as the point of this story is to show my stupidity or 'naivete'.
I was in biology and our teacher was from an Indian or Pakistani decent, not sure which. She was teaching us biology in English, and the truth is that I was new to that heavy accent she spoke in. So she walked into the class and started teaching. So in her class, we were required to take notes on our own. And she began talking about 'veeds', she asked to make sure we all understood what a 'veed' is, and apparently everyone knew. Me being the shy person I was, I acted like I knew. She went on talking and talking and I just wrote at the corner of my notebook, 'check veeds in the dictionary'. Then she started to define it as, 'a harmful plant that farmers usually get rid of'.
Then I thought, "Wow, interesting."
Then it clicked in my head. The lightbulb went on. And what she actually meant was weeds. So I said out loud, "Ohhh weeds!"
And the teacher and the whole class looked at me as if I was the most stupid thing on the planet.
I learned from that, to ask for directions, to ask if I don't understand, and ask when I need help. I learned to throw shyness out of the window and ask what I wanted to know.

This last story is another lesson I've learned, that may not be relevant for those not living in the middle east.
In IG's each teacher gives you about 100 pages of 'worksheets' for you to do. That's at the end of the year, before exams. Imagine 25 times 8. Your up all night doing homework and your still not done. So it was one of those days where I had those probably like 150 pages, and I was supposed to find everything I could do and do it within the pages the teacher specified. When I got to the point where I felt enough is enough, I decided I wouldn't kill myself staying up and doing homework when I needed to sleep properly. So I did as much as I thought she'd check in class and went off to bed. I went to school and went to math class. Lo and Behold, people, check out my luck! The pages I did were completely forgotten and the pages I didn't do were the pages she checked. So what happens to me and the rest of the people that didn't do their work.
"Yallah! GET OUT OF MY CLASS!"
And where did I go?
Out.
And I stood there.
On a normal occasion like this, with the 'normal' me. I'd been in tears instantly. But not now, I've gotten past that. I've moved on. I'm now strong.
The teacher treated me extra mean and constantly questioned me every single time she saw me. About 2 days later from the incident, I was no where other than standing at the back of the class. I decided I wouldn't do homework late at night, actually I didn't do ANY homework, for anyone. I was failing quizzes and not doing homework. And the teachers were obviously disappointed.
The thing they didn't know was, I wasn't going to do the IG exams. I'll be moving to the American curriculum the next year. And all I needed was to pass. And that I did. My grades were above average mashallah.
My mom called the school to tell them I'd be switching over to SATs and within minutes there was a teacher wanting to speak to me in private.
She was very helpful, and really nice. She asked me why I wanted to move to American curriculum, I told her the teachers in IGs were mean, they didn't respect me and that I wasn't really understanding much of the stuff. My low self esteem was becoming repaired, but it wasn't completely fixed.

And that change, even though one of the most stressful in my life, was one of the best changes I ever went through.

Next up..
More on the change I went through and how people treated me when I moved to SATs. Surprises that caught me by surprise completely. Still more hardships I needed to overcome.
And better yet, comparison between the new me, and the old me. More about great friends , etc.

To be continued....

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Life lessons part 3

2010-09-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

I walked into the school in a complete nervous wreck. My heart was skipping every other beat and all that was running through my mind was "how do I keep changing schools?". I sat down on the bench and got up and paced until they would let me take the 'entrance exam'. I remember I felt like I was almost going to die just sitting there and waiting. The minute they gave me the exam I started writing. Soon enough I started flipping through the papers and I realized I didn't know half the stuff. I was getting desperate so I'd just put any random answer. I did like 5 tests, I think. For most of them I guessed over half of the questions, and left the rest blank. I remember seeing teachers come and go from the library (where I took the exam) and I felt a sense of hopelessness. Just the looks of the teachers freaked me out completely.

We came back to the school the next day, and I was completely MORTIFIED when they said I failed almost all the exams. At that point in my life I had relatively low self esteem, moving from school to school does that to you. After the news of my first failure, I felt horrible. What I did after was study as much as I could to take the exams again. And what do you know...All we had to do was send my dad over to the men's side with a note and I was freed from the exams. But the failure already left its stain that wouldn't come out till later. I came and sat into the class and I felt like I was about to faint. Between the stress, nervousness and the excruciating smell I was overwhelmed, but alhamdulillah I survived without fainting or any injuries. The school has a terrible air conditioning system and not to mention being in the second half of 8th grade where a bunch of kids have just become adolescents. It was horrible. And I felt terrible, on the verge to cry because I had just settled into the new school I had just moved from. Now I have to start again. I have to make new friends. I have to catch up with the 3 years of proper (Worth English) education that I missed. I have to work hard. And I have to be able to hold hard onto my beliefs as a good Muslim. I also had to repair the self esteem that just got ruined. THANKS MANARAT.

I dealt with this all terribly.

I came home from school one day and hated my life. I blamed my parents through tears for bringing me here, taking me away from America, and most of all making me miss so many years of education. In general, I just thought it was all their fault that my life was terrible and it would take a really long time for me to get over it.

I sat in the class and it was chaotic. Being new I saw the school from an outsider's point of view and when I saw 2 girls chase after each other and throw things at each other, I was mortified. But then there was this one girl that came up to me. I guess she sensed that I felt lonely and scared possibly. I remember when I first saw her I thought she was so tiny and cute and so outgoing and spontaneous mashallah. I was a bit jealous because I always wished I could be the first one to make friends, but the truth was, I was a quiet person, and my self- esteem was completely crushed to powder. Huda would soon become one of my really good friends that taught me a ton, even more than I could imagine. She came up to me and smiled and started a small conversation, she really saved my life then. At a time where I was lost.

I still hadn't learned anything at that point I was too upset to realize the reason behind things. I wasn't ready to move forward again. I HATED change. But I didn't know what was in store for me. I didn't know that there'd be more hardships to come, more lessons to learn, and more people to get to know, more friends to make and even more teachers to get to learn from.

To be continued...

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Life lessons part 2

2010-09-17T14:40:00.001-07:00

Kingdom School and Riyadh, KSA

We moved to Riyadh and started going to Kingdom school, a school that royalty attended. My first day was pretty interesting, I was treated like a high status 'foreigner'. Somewhat respected.

Now you might ask, what does she mean by 'somewhat'.... Well it means as long as I was an American, and only American I was treated with respect. As soon as I said anything about being part Palestinian half of the respect was gone. Then I was looked at with disgust and hate. The class I was in was the 'best class' or..where all the royalty was.

Soon enough I found better friends in another class, so I decided to move to that class. I was treated better, but soon enough something had to happen, life isn't meant to be easy here. Someone was nice enough to steal my pencil case and half of my lunch everyday. I was still very quiet and shy so I didn't say much about it. I just accepted the fact that it was stolen by someone, and I simply let it go. Until one day I found the stolen pens and food with a certain other student. I was surprised and upset. I really didn't know how to react. In that school I learned that the cheapest schools and the most expensive school were all too similar and wherever you go people will be the same. I also learned how to move on and leave certain things alone. After someone stealing my things I learned to move and and forgive.

The school year went on, and I was invited to one of my friends' birthday party. I must admit that it was pretty fun. The one thing I didn't know was, it was meant for me to move to another school. There was still a lot to learn...

My mom found a new school and decided to teach there. I was given the choice to move into the same school with her since I expected something better at the new school.
I started school and it seemed pretty nice. The buildings weren't finished and there was still construction going on, but I found it to be sort of similar to ISP in the way that my mom new a lot of teachers and it was a more friendly environment, or so I thought...
The first few days I made friends with 2 girls. One a lot like me, quiet and reserved. While the other was a teeny bit more outspoken, and a big time follower.

Three weeks into school I found the majority of the students weren't a good crowd to be in. Too many bad apples that could ruin you. So around that time it'd be me and my quiet friend. The other 'friend' was easily pulled into the bad crowd.

I learned in that school that, it's ok to be different. It doesn't hurt. I learned that minorities stick together. If your a quiet person and I'm one too and the majority is loud and talkative the two quiet people will stick together. Same goes when your a foreigner. I learned not to stick with a bad crowd even if i had no choice.

I went to that school for only half a year. Mom got sick of teaching there and her inability to teach us Arabic and it was hard to depend on my aunts to always sit and teach us every time exams came around. The level of Arabic was low anyway, so they decided that a school with an American curriculum would be better since it would be easier for her to teach. And therefore they decided to put us in an international school.

This is the school I go to now. This is also the school where I went through many hardships and learned many lessons.

To be continued....

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Life lessons Part 1

2010-09-14T10:31:00.001-07:00

I'll be talking about my life experiences within the next few days inshallah. Tells a little about the lessons I've learned so maybe all you others out there can learn from them too.

When I say moving from Portland was the most tragic thing that happened to me AND the best thing at the same time, people go....WHAT?!

Well I'll tell you a little about what makes it the most tragic and the best thing at the same time..

When I was in the 5th grade we were leaving 'home', I call it home cause I lived there from the time I started KG till I finished 5th grade. It was where I had friends that were better than family, where school was my second home, and where I felt secure.

We were moving to another country where 'the grass is greener', or basically where you should be able to practice Islam freely, memorize the Quran easily, and go to a really good school where it's only girls and you learn Arabic real well.

So we got on the plane in tears and left home. Then we came to the lovely country called Saudi Arabia. Very lovely indeed. People don't give it justice when they describe it.

I started the sixth grade the first year we moved here and I remember I going to the school to check it out, and it was huge compared to ISP (the school I attended in Portland). I remember the first few months were really really hard, in break time I'd look at the kids play and have fun and then I'd remember my family (who were actually really good friends that were so close that they felt like family), and I'd say inside myself, I'd never ever fit in this school. I'm not Saudi, I don't look like one, I don't talk like one, and I don't act like one. The 'canteen' (where you buy your food from school) was the first experience I'd call 'strength' in my life. It was the first time I actually spoke up, pushed and shoved and came out of my'shell'. Having a quiet, polite and reserved personality didn't help me cope any easier with my environment. I would go for days without buying food at school because I couldn't shove, push or yell like all the other kids. I was so used to standing in line, where everyone gets their turn. The place I was at, was totally the opposite, people all rushed to get what they wanted and all tried to get it at the same time, the pushed and shoved and cursed at each other. I remember standing there waiting for my turn, and lo and behold break was over and the canteen closed and I was still waiting.

It took the longest time for me to get used to the school, only to find out that I'd be moving from that school. I'd move to a different city that would be 'better', where my grandparents and aunts and uncles lived. It would be great and we'd have a family around us. We went to the school where the 'princesses and princes' went to. It was 'the best school in the Kingdom'. We went to that school for one year. It was supposed to be real good...but...The future bought more...

To be continued soon inshallah...

Author's Note: You can find the rest of this series:
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

EID MUBARAK!

2010-09-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Salam y'all EID MUBARAK!!!!!

A little post on a few little things :P...

2010-09-05T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ok ppl..LONG TIME NO POST..

Well ok been kinda bussssssy. Ramadhan and my project added together equals no time left to post. So I have a few things to say...and I'm gonna put it all into one post.

So first the project I was working on, still not perfected but you all can check it out at http://mtg2upiman.blogspot.com/ , all by me :).

Bear with me for now, inshallah I'm hoping to improve the quality soon. Just needs a bit more practice too.

Then I have a little story to tell you all (someone suggested I post it on my blog) ...

There was this once I was making cheesecake and I was making the graham cracker crust in the blender, so i had the cookies in there and I was pushing the cookies down with a wooden spoon. Then I hear a terrible noise, so I turn of the blender and take the spoon out (simultaneously) and I look at the spoon and ......

Its half eaten away...

So I look at it and I debate in my mind whether or not to throw the cookies away, but I finally decided I won't throw them away, what a waste to throw them away and no one will know about them anyway, the wood is well blended with the cookies and they are both the same color.

So we ate a cheesecake with a wood and graham cracker crust... and the truth is...it didn't taste bad at all. (There was no taste at all of the wood and no one even realized they ate a cheesecake with wood).

So thats all I have for now.

Free Palestine!!!!

2010-09-05T05:12:00.000-07:00

I have to show you this really sad video someone sent me.

His whole family was taken and that child is the only one left. That was just a few days ago. Imagine...

We complain a lot, but we hardly realize what some other people are going through. I wish I could help, but all I could do is spread the message and make dua.

Busy till Saturday!

2010-08-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

Salam Y'all!
I won't be posting till Saturday my time (KSA) Because I'm working on a project here inshallah I'll tell y'all about it on Saturday bi ithnillah. :) So be patient y'all!

Podcasts?

2010-08-22T07:09:00.001-07:00

Salam alaikum y'all ...anyone know of any good podcasts out there worth listening to? Like for Muslim teens or even something that's like islamically inspiring. Leave your comments if you know of any. Jazakum Allahu khairan.

Yes, I did it again!

2010-08-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Well I changed the background and all...I told you!...Well I only have 3 followers anyway. I know there are other people out there that read my blog, I mean I don't think 3 people opened this blog 444 times right?

So ya...Forgive me if the change bothers you all people...

From Monsters Inc. "Hear that...?"*silence* "It's the winds of change.."- Randall